RALEIGH, N.C.—After finishing a long-winded rant about the hypersensitivity of college liberals, area man Duke Kennedy proceeded to grumble about how transgendered people using the bathroom of the gender they identify makes him feel uneasy. Following statements from the Justice Department criticizing North Carolina’s new bathroom law, Kennedy asserted that our inability to toughen the fuck up is destroying America, almost as much as transgender people being allowed to use the bathroom they find most comfortable.
“I’m sick of liberals wanting to police our language and preferences just because they feel uncomfortable. This is a goddamn free country,” Kennedy said passionately. “But also, why the fuck are transgendered people using the wrong bathrooms? It is the duty of our elected officials to make sure they don’t do that!” At press time, Kennedy was spotted at a Trump rally threatening a peaceful protester carrying a ‘Trump is Racist’ sign. “Of course she’s offended by Trump- she’s a liberal! Political discourse must be ruled by REALS, not FEELS. But I will never feel safe again if someone without a Y chromosome sets foot in my bathroom, so help me god.”