Lamenting his declining grades, superficial friendships, and unfulfilled sexual desires, Beta Phi fraternity brother Duncan Brown reportedly screamed “WOOOOOOO!” yesterday in an alcohol-fueled moment of existential madness. Evidently unhappy with his position in life and audibly regretful of past decisions, Brown went on to chug a can of beer, jump on a table and yell “Let’s go!” in a feeble effort to both assert his self-worth and rediscover a lost and probably unrecoverable sense of youthful vitality. Then, in a needlessly grandiose display of athleticism—likely borne out of intense physical insecurity and a narcissistic desire for attention—sources confirmed Brown leaped from the table, landed on the fraternity’s lawn, and began “mobbing” aggressively with several party attendees before vomiting forcefully into a nearby bush. Amused onlookers, clearly ignorant of Brown’s severely depressed state, are reported to have cheered him on, crying “Yeah!” and “Alright!” while Brown ejected any internal remnant of dignity into the hapless plant.

At press time, after viewing the disturbing scene, residents of the neighboring Elysium co-op reportedly scoffed, shook their heads, and returned to their rooms, spending the rest of the day sobbing violently in their own private hells.

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