In response to Stanford’s well known “Tree Week,” during which members of the undergraduate student body compete for the right to dress up in a tree suit for the next year to show how much they love football, several local trees have rallied to create a festive week of their own. The new “Human Week” will feature Stanford’s trees competing in order to become their own new mascot, a tree wearing a human skin.
The trees participate in a series of stunts and challenges to show that they are most worthy to wear the spirited costume, such as participating in day-long sprinkler drinking contests and growing branches that kind of look like a hand giving a middle finger over a period of five months. A local elm has emerged as the front runner in these competitions, with a sprightly young cedar close in its wake. When asked about plans for its final stunt, the elm gave no response to our reporters’ repeated questions, presumably to maintain an air of mystery around its plans.
The mystery did not remain one for long however, as Monday morning the elm was seen showing off adorned in a home-made human suit created by its mother. Students were alarmed at first to see the hollowed-out corpse of sophomore Timmy Faniels stretched out around the branches of a large elm planted near the entrance to the stadium, but soon adjusted to the idea. “Looks like we have a new Stanford Human!” said one excited undergraduate on the scene.
The panel of oaks has not yet decided which tree will ultimately become the official human mascot, but it is clear that the elm is going to put on a good show.