Koch Brothers to Engineer Marco Rubio Upgrade

February 16, 2016 12:01 pm
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Koch Brothers to Engineer Marco Rubio Upgrade

Since Senator Marco Rubio’s internal processing system malfunctioned, causing him to struggle in the New Hampshire primaries, reports indicate that Charles and David Koch have elected to engineer an upgrade of the one-term Senator that can help his campaign to recover in South Carolina.

As an intercepted message from Charles Koch explained, “Our existing Senator Rubio-bot glitched four times on the debate stage between 8:30 PM and 9:21 PM- he literally kept saying that Barack Obama knew what he was doing. With the amount of money we’ve spent on this thing, you’d think our product wouldn’t mess up like that. It’s time for a new model.”

Senator Rubio first malfunctioned by delivering a victory speech for this third place finish in the Iowa caucus, raising questions about his battery capacity and processing prowess. Though the details of the RUBIO2.0 remain shrouded in mystery, the new model is expected to be more empathetic, less sweaty, and equipped with at least 2 new USB ports.

“This one will give HillaryBot a run for her money,” David Koch said in a recovered text to his brother. “It’s programmed to say only ‘America’, ‘Obamacare’, and ‘Primary’- and it can say it in seven languages. He should be listing the White House Wifi as his home network in no time.”