Seeking to avoid a repeat of Iowa’s tie-related tumult , Presidential hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders announced Sunday that they would go shot-for-shot with fingers of whiskey in the event of a draw in Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary.

Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz explained, “Should New Hampshire’s outcome mirror Iowa’s, our two candidates will engage in a mano a mano shot-for-shot throw down, with either one taking scotch to the face until the loser calls it quits. We simply can’t have our party’s nomination coming down to coin tosses and razor-thin margins of error- this is a much more definitive mechanism for determining our standard barer for 2016.”

Representatives from both campaigns praised the move, with a Sanders spokesperson commenting, “For too long, the billionaire class has utilized arcane campaign finance rules to buy our elections. This will allow our party to choose its nominee in the way our Founding Fathers envisioned.” Hillary Clinton responded in kind, tweeting, “Bring it on, motherfucker.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…