Reporting the event had surpassed all expectations and was likely one of the more engrossing public spectacles they had ever witnessed, local sources confirmed yesterday that this year’s Palo Alto Geisha Tournament—or PAG—was off to a thrilling start. Boasting an impressive lineup of the most talented Japanese female entertainers in the Bay Area, PAG pushes geisha to their limits as they demonstrate expert knowledge in traditional dance, music, and conversation—much to the awe and amazement of tournament attendees.

Bob Richardson, a Redwood City carpenter and self-professed geisha fanatic, described this year’s tournament as “unbridled insanity,” with the dramatic clash between rising young starlet Fuyumi Nakamura and veteran performer Eiko Takahashi dominating much of the action. “F-Bomb and ET were just going at it all day, exchanging harsh words during the opening shamisen performance and even following the mid-day tea ceremony,” reported Richardson excitedly while adjusting his official PAG™ shimada wig. “I don’t know what’s going to happen next—maybe Nakamura will pull away during the nihonbuyo dance performance tomorrow, or perhaps Takahashi will steal the show with her impromptu hokku recitation. Only time will tell, but I do know one thing—sparks will fly.”

The performers themselves were also extremely excited, many of them competing at PAG for the first time after years of preparation. Watashi wa tōnamento de koko ni iru koto ni totemo kōfun shite imasu – kore wa hontōni yume no jitsugendesu,” newcomer Haruyo “Ironsides” Nakagawa told reporters. “Paroaruto de koko de kyōsō suru koto wa, totemo meiyodesu. Nani ga okite mo, watashi wa sono kikai ni kansha shite imasu.

President of the American Geisha Society, Kiyoko Watanabe-Smith, perhaps best evoked the magic of the tournament in her opening remarks. Addressing over two-hundred thousand fans and geisha—a record level of attendance recalling the 1982 atmosphere of the now infamous Night of the Black Lotus—Watanabe-Smith extolled the virtues of the performers and the enthusiasm of the tournament’s visitors. “There’s just so much talent, culture, and energy on display here at PAG 2017, and I’m so, so glad you’ve all decided to come,” reported a smiling Watanabe-Smith. “I mean how can it get better than this? Hearing the low beat of the ko-tsuzumi alongside the pleasant banter of trained conversationalists is good enough, but once there’s some beer and snacks thrown in the mix—well, that’s game over folks. Enjoy the event, and remember, they’re not prostitutes.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…