STANFORD – Earlier this week, Stanford University concluded a six-month-long search for a new university President, announcing that Marc Tessier-Lavigne, the current President of Rockefeller University, would be replacing John Hennessey. Despite Tessier-Lavigne’s experience in academia and industry, other voices on campus have lamented the fact that the incoming university President is “just another rich white guy.”

“We understand how this might come across to students of diverse backgrounds,” stated Scott Berman, the organizer of the administrative search committee. “That’s why we took all matters into consideration when finding a new university Provost.” The new Provost, which Berman was referring to, was a lukewarm bowl of sour cream with “money” written on the side in block letters. “As with the new President, we believe we’ve taken all matters into consideration – money, whiteness, dairyness, what have you – and made the best decision we could have made based on the candidate’s qualifications.”

As with the appointment of the new President, many students have expressed concern about the lack of diversity in the administrator. While some have called the bowl labeled money “not even a person,” students of dairy-American background penned Op-Eds defending its qualifications, stating “give [the bowl] a chance.” Despite all the dialogue, the appointment nonetheless remains controversial and campus tensions remain high.

The bowl, which lacks sentience and will likely expire in the coming week, will take on various administrative responsibilities, including sending emails or something.

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