After the dad bod’s adorable chub failed to help it overcome its differences with their mom, researchers confirmed on Wednesday that the stepdad bod, while equally pudgy and far more likely to take them out for ice cream, simply hasn’t connected with them on the same emotional level.

“From its interest in pizza, beer, and baseball to its insistence that it’ll always be there for us, the stepdad bod is quite comparable to the dad bod,” one of the scholars reported, “However our data demonstrates that it just isn’t the same- goddammit, mom, it just isn’t the same, okay?”

Moms nationwide insist that they’re just doing what they can, and that sometimes things are more complicated than you can understand right now.

“Substantial research remains to be done in comparative longitudinal outcomes,” one mother insisted. “Seriously, honey, just give it some time. Mommy needs you to just wait a little longer. I know it feels strange, but Rob is really a good man, and mommy… mommy loves him, okay?”

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