Earlier this week, Defense Department officials showcased a new “green” line of nuclear missiles.

“Contrary to popular belief, nuclear missiles are actually pretty destructive,” said Defense Secretary Robert Gates. “Especially when it comes to greenhouse emissions.”

According to the Defense Department’s website, the new nuclear missiles will no longer use traditional rocket thrusters but will instead rely on several industrial strength fans, powered by solar panels.

The new missiles will also be made entirely out of compostable materials.

“I visited Hiroshima a few months back and was disgusted to find some of the original shrapnel from the atom bomb still lying around,” said Appropriations Chairman Robert Wyde. “With our new biodegradable missile casings, I can finally rest assured that we’ll no longer be destroying our dear earth.”

“Well, at least not through pollution,” he added.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Environmentally Conscientious Student Feels Completely Comfortable Wasting Water Now That Drought Is Finally Over

Reporting that exacerbating the possibility of a relapse into a widespread agricultural…

Vogue seeks advice from police on how to best shoot black people