Stanford Reveals New Questions for Class of 2019 Application

According to a representative, the Stanford Admissions office just today announced several changes to its online application.

More thoughtful and profound, the application will now consist of the following essay questions:

•  What matters to other people and why do you give a shit?

•  From Mother Theresa to Nelson Mandela, some figures from history inspire us to do greater things. What’s your idea for a location- based, big data, disruptive image-sharing, social media application?
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•  What makes you happy? Actually, fuck that, what do you think we want to hear?
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•  Among the cancers you have cured, which was most memorable and why?

•  Have you ever seen those cans of aerosol cheese? What’s with them? Who buys that shit?

In order to get a better feel for an increasingly diverse collection of applicants, Stanford has also announced the following “yes/no” questions:

•  Is your last name Arrillaga?

•  Are there any aspects of your life that are not both amazing and super chill?

•  Do you know how to coach underachieving, overfunded football teams?

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