In a press conference last week, Stanford R&DE admitted that a method of key-less entry to Stanford buildings is no closer to fruition than when the project began, this time last year. “The project was supposed to be simple. We thought we could maybe just drill small holes in the doors so students could whisper passwords to each other,” ResEd spokesperson Marty Hammers reports to our correspondents, “but it turns out there are all kinds of problems with that. After about a week, we realized that there would have to be a person at all times on the other side of the door. Who even has time for that? I certainly don’t. And don’t even get me started on the time one of the Soto residents decided to use the opening as a gloryhole. PR disaster”

Following the failed attempt, reports suggests R&DE switched gears and tried scanning student’s nipples, as research and development found that scanning eyes with lasers causes a non-negligible amount of corneal damage. “Of course then we run into the fact that apparently not every student at this school has nipples. Jesus!” Hammers stated, an animalistic, panicked look visible in his eyes.

I haven’t slept in weeks. My kids hate me,” reports ResEd employee Ron Parankowski, “sometimes I feel like taking a torch to this whole goddamned place. It’s like a prison I can’t escape. We need a Hail Mary here.” At time of press, reports indicate that efforts to provide each student with an eggplant whose unique shape would grant access are proceeding somewhat less than swimmingly.

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