Commentators and fans alike regard the 2014 FIFA World Cup as a cup of upsets, and consequently extremely exciting to follow. Just in case you thought the the cup was over after the US was eliminated, were too busy watching baseball, or were preoccupied wondering about where the hell LeBron James was going to end up, here’s a quick summary of the highlights:
No African teams or Asian teams made it past the round of 16, as usual. Thanks, imperialism.
The Spanish team learned that losing is hard, and after the group stage ran quickly back to Spain to seek solace in the memory of four years ago, most probably crying together in a sexy, sexy heap.
Portugal failed to impress, and the world realized that Cristiano Ronaldo’s sad face isn’t all that attractive, especially when he has no reason to joyfully remove his shirt.
Suarez of Uruguay bit some players, and probably gave them rabies.
The Brits tried and failed, much like all British orthodontists ever.
France set out to prove that although they could never win wars, they could maybe win soccer matches….and then they didn’t.
Germany played Tim Howard while rest of the US men’s team watched. ‘Murrca!
Costa Rica stunned the world by sucking much less than expected.
Brazil made it by the skin of their teeth to the semifinals, where Germany served them their asses on a platter, most likely with a soft pretzel, and bratwurst to boot. There was so much crying. So much. Fourth place.
The Netherlands, a team who historically has always performed well but has still never won a World Cup, proved that the curse of the Flying Dutchman is very real, except when playing a rather nonexistent Brazilian defense. And offense for that matter. Also, orange is an ugly color. Third place.
Argentina lost 0-1 in extra time after a long, largely goal-less final, and it was sad. Messi’s face upon receiving his second place medal and the Golden Ball for best individual player in the tournament clearly said, “What the fuck am I gonna do with this shit?” Second place.
Oh and Germany won, just in case you didn’t know. Their win didn’t exactly merit the “I knew it!” that chorused from the mouths of well, pretty much everyone who proudly “predicted” it, as they were undoubtably the best team with the strongest all around performance. They also celebrated with Rihanna, who came down to the field for congratulations and a myriad of selfies. Not sure if the German players were more excited about the cup, or Rihanna’s sweet, sweet bootay. First place.
Thus ended the 2014 FIFA World Cup, the cup of upsets which somehow still ended exactly as expected. Those of us who love the game are going to feel a palpable void in our chests for a while, but until the next World Cup, there’s always the Rio 2016 Summer Olympics. If there’s anything this cup has shown, it’s that diving and soccer are inseparable.