How many fingers do you have on your leftmost hand?

[] Five

[] Some number other than five.

[] Enough


Is single-ply toilet paper good enough?

[] No

[] Never

[] Nothing is ever good enough


Have you hidden your kids and your wife?

[] Yes, they are raping everybody out here.

[] No, I have not properly secured those I care about.

[] I have no such distractions


Do you have bronchitis?

[] Yes, it sucks.

[] Ain’t nobody got time for that.

[] My body is pure


How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

[] 98657

[] The world may never know.

[] That is a closely guarded secret of my realm


Are you born with it or is it Maybelline?

[] Born This Way

[] I’m about as real as Dolly Parton’s boobies.

[] I have always been, since time immemorial


What would you do for a Klondike bar?

[] Your mom.

[] Crack.

[] I have no interest in your paltry treats


Mac or PC?

[] I’m a PC.

[] I’m not.

[] I laughed as Rome burned around me.


How should “How I Met Your Mother” have ended?

[] In any way but the way it did.

[] I don’t watch that show.

[] They all belong in the belly of the Beast. Except Marshall, he’s hilarious.


Are you on track to graduate on time?

[] Yes

[] No

[] I am a demon.


To calculate your answer, add up all of the times you responded with the first answer, and then if you answered “Yes” to the final question, you will graduate on time, otherwise you will not. And if you picked the 3rd answer 4 or more times, seek out a priest.

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