Exams are a transformative experience for everyone, causing schedules, expected majors, and parent-child relationships to be forever altered. Sophomore Jim Hegelson had more changed than just his double major in Psychology and Philosophy (or as he affectionately called them, “the Psilent Ps”) as he walked out of his most recent philosophy exam: he changed his personal credo as well.

“I figured we’re studying this stuff, I may as well put it to good use,” Jim said. “Stoicism seemed particularly relevant, and I believe it will help me get through these difficult times.”

The philosophy department at Stanford has been reasonably pleased with this development. “We’re so used to just endlessly asking rhetorical questions and entrenching ourselves even more deeply in our beliefs. It’s nice that we’ve finally left a lasting effect on someone’s life greater than a filled iHum requirement,” said a spokesman. “But look, even at our worst, we’re still better than the religious studies department: their average conversions-per-year rate is negative four.” When asked if he expected the philosophy department to expand as a result of these developments, he responded, “Well, what is expansion, anyway? Who are you to say we haven’t expanded already?”

Though he is expecting some resistance from his staunchly existentialist parents, Jim is quietly optimistic that his newfound philosophy will aid him in future classes and life at large, saying “Stoicism is the one where you don’t worry about the future and focus on enjoying the moment, right?”

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