The doubts started with his acceptance letter. His test scores were solidly in the bottom quartile, his application essays obviously outsourced, and most of his extracurriculars entirely fabricated. When Richard Johnson showed up on move-in day, he was shocked that no one forcibly removed him from the campus.

“While it takes me five or six tries to wipe, my best friend taught feral cats to square-dance,” Says Johnson. “I didn’t think my roommate had any skills… then I saw him ice a three layer cake on a pogo stick after twenty shots. Even the startup ideas that come out of people’s asses are golden compared to those which come out of my head.”

Accepting his intellectual loserness as most obviously the least deserving person here, Johnson’s attitude couldn’t be more admirable. “That means that I’m the luckiest. Mistakes like this come once in a lifetime,” he added, “You have to make the most of it.”

Johnson has cracked a brilliant strategy for success. Loaning out twenties to anyone he can, Johnson expects to collect interest on his debts decades later in the form of percent of the debtors’ overall net worth instead of the original amount loaned. He believes it to be “an investment in the brilliant individuals around me.”

Johnson’s school-appointed counselor is confessedly perplexed by Johnson’s happiness. She shares, “a lot of kids feel like they don’t belong. Usually we try to make them feel better; Richard shouldn’t be happy. I’m not quite sure what to do. I really don’t know if I should be trying to fix this.”

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