Amid the flood of news coming out of the Korean peninsula, one event has taken world leaders by surprise. Kim Jong Un, the North Korean emperor famous for his despotic rule, has publicly executed himself after looking at himself with “dishonor.” Reportedly after stepping out of his lavish gold-plated bathtub, Un caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and was disgusted at the fat, feminine boy who looked back at him with impudence. Un is not known for his leniency in dealing with treason, even among close relatives- a fact he proved by executing his own uncle last month for allegedly planning a coup d’etat. So when he saw the chubby man-child with no respect for the supreme leader, he issued a swift and merciless decree that he himself must be put to death.
Un shares his father’s and grandfather’s affinity for public shaming, so before he put himself to death he commissioned a squad of trusted military leaders to mock him for his shortcomings, which have brought shame on his family. In a widely televised event, one military representative solemnly intoned, “The 90s called, O Supreme Leader. They want their hairstyle back… That’s a nice jacket, do they make it for men….” As Un listened with his head hung in shame in the center of Pyongyang’s main plaza. After the final shots faded, in accordance with the former dictator’s wishes, the man who performed the public shaming was then also put to death. North Korea now begins the long and arduous process of finding a pudgy, pale boy to become the next god-king of a modern nation.