Toronto, Canada – Toronto’s notorious mayor, Rob “Wildcard” Ford, confronts the latest in a string of scandals this week. And while he was able to brush off his past use of cocaine with the excuse that he was “probably piss drunk,” he will likely have a harder time putting to rest the harsh accusations that he has visited the comedy website Cracked.com.
“This is pure slander and simple!” roared Ford, red-faced, as he led giggling young women into a private hotel suite. “When I did lines of cocaine off of a bong made of ivory from endangered white rhinos, I faced my dignity with crimes. But to suggest that I would visit that hack website is simple ridiculous.”
The accusations arose when an unknown source in Ford’s mountaintop chalet, affectionately nicknamed the Den of Sin, released the mayor’s personal internet browsing history. Buried in the expected flood of hentai, horse, bdsm, rope-play, cooking, guy-on-girl, girl-on-guy, guy-on-guy, guy-on-table, table-on-chair, Canadian-on-Pacific Islander, and World War One fetish porn— was something truly troubling to Ford’s constituents: nearly daily visits to the self-proclaimed World’s Oldest Humor Site. Canadian analysts agree that these allegations, if true, may ruin all hopes of Ford’s reelection.
“Please,” said Ford dismissively. “That’s not even the worst thing a mayor has done. In fact, here’s 6 Mayoral Indiscretions That You Never Saw Coming…”