As part of an effort to expand its philanthropic efforts in the Bay Area, the Haas Center for Public Service has teamed up with the Stanford Football program to host a charity sporting event this Saturday in Stanford Stadium. The event is targeted at UC-Berkeley undergraduate students, a demographic that has been vastly underrepresented at victorious football games over the past several years.
“We really just want to help these Cal students by putting on a showcase of what football can truly be,” reported Haas Center representative Lana Cohen, “The Stanford team will show them all sorts of cool things like how to run, how to pass, and how to stop the other team from doing those same things.”
The Cardinal coaching staff is particularly excited for this wonderful opportunity to showcase the skill of its squad.
“We have promised the Haas Center that we will put on quite the show for our guests,” Head Coach David Shaw told reporters, “We will show them how to run the ball without dropping it, we will demonstrate how to kick the ball between the uprights, and I’m sure they will love our presentation on knocking over the other team’s quarterback. We want to light up the scoreboard and give them an afternoon they will never forget.”
Of course, the event organizers hope that the afternoon’s festivities do not obscure the true gravity of the situation.
“Its all fun and games when we are tossing around a football here under the sun-soaked palm trees on The Farm,” Cohen sighed, “But you have to remember that, at the end of the day, these students still have to return to the dark despair of life in Berkeley. Sure, we want them to enjoy our little football clinic, but its important to remember that long after this day is over, they will still be struggling with the burden that has been placed upon them by their affiliation with that university.”
Cohen and the rest of the Haas Center staff are working hard to encourage Stanford students to attend the charity event this Saturday and raise awareness for the initiative.
“We really want to mobilize the student body in support of this cause and hope that they come out in full force to the game this Saturday,” Cohen said, “Do whatever you can to show Cal students that you care. Make banners, paint your body, yell your encouragement at them as loud as you can. Show them what our student body can really achieve.”
To top off the special football exhibition, the Haas Center has announced that a grand trophy will be awarded at the culmination of the contest.
“Both sides will come together on the field and get to look at that glistening, majestic trophy. In the end, we hope this prize shall forever serve as a symbol of Stanford Football’s paternal relationship with the struggling undergraduates at UC-Berkeley.”
As of press time, Beat Cal.
