In a desperate attempt to reclaim their wasted investment of supposedly $100,000 per student, Stanford has now turned to selling their humanities majors to other universities. Under pressure to maintain its status as “the millionaire factory” and its ranking as #1 on Forbes’s list, Stanford started auctioning off their less promising students to surrounding colleges. Since they are considered less likely to create a start-up and donate a building to the campus, humanities students, beginning with those with particularly dead-end majors, can be bid on through Stanford’s new website, www.buyacardinal.com. Some of the ads read, “Comes complete with two years of a liberal education”, “Boasts superb biking skills”, and “Can swim in any man-made, medium-sized collection of water”.
After draining the students’ financial resources for as long as possible, and offering no refund on their tuition, Stanford just gives a certificate of authenticity of admission to the prestigious university. Surprisingly, Stanford has started recuperating funds, which will be invested in the South Campus Arrillaga Athletic Facility. This new center is due to open in December of 2015, so students expect it to open in late June of 2016. President Hennessy reported, “Our expected profits for Winter Quarter are astronomical. We’re expected to at least make as much as John Arrillaga, and will be investing in useful things. Like Segways for 5-Sure. I like Segways. The Flipside has the right idea.”
Bidding opened on October 1st, with art history majors serving as the trial. Some of the standout students garnered up to $2,000, but this is expected to increase as the classics and dance majors are put up on the site. Current top bidders include Berkeley and Ivy League schools, much to the dismay of the students facing auction. One exclaimed, “I would much rather drop out of school than to go Berkeley, but I didn’t read the fine print when I committed as a freshman and can’t back out. But I suppose there’s really not much of a difference between dropping out and Cal.” So, beware declaring until you’ve decided on a major that offers both enrollment and job security.