5-Sure, the Stanford neighborhood security escort transportation service, recently hired Anthony Jones as its new student driver after a competitive round of applications. Jones, a junior from the Bay Area, explained that he took the job offer so he could emulate his hero, Travis Bickle of Martin Scorsese’s Taxi Driver.

“When I watched Taxi Driver for the first time,” the Philosophy major remarked, “I really identified with Robert De Niro’s character. The world is a shitty place, Travis understood that, and I understand that. You know what I’m saying, man?”

A few of Anthony’s friends, however, expressed uneasiness with their peer’s new position. “Dude, he’s insane,” an anonymous peer confessed, “He’s been working for two weeks and got this crazy-ass mohawk. And he buys these crazy guns from this dealer in East Palo Alto and brandishes them in my room with the magazines and everything. It’s fuckin terrifying.”

When asked to comment on his job so far, Jones mused, “All the animals come out at night – sorority girls, druggies, intoxicated TA’s, freshmen, Okada, the band, FroSoCo. Sick, venal. Someday a real rain will come and wash the scum off these streets.”

Anthony then peered to his left and right before continuing, “I go all over, man. I take people to Palm Drive, Santa Teresa. I take them to Escondido. Don’t make no difference to me. It does to some. Some won’t even take SAE kids. Don’t make no difference to me.”

5-Sure, a student-managed organization overseen by OAPE, collaborates with Public Safety, the Women’s Center, and Residential Education Center and Risk Management in offering transportation for any member of the Stanford community who feels unsafe.

Before leaving Old Union to begin his nightly shift, Anthony engaged in a heated confrontation with his mirror reflection, apparently offended by his phantom’s perceived desire to converse with him.

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