By day, the Class of 2017 will voyage across Stanford’s new breadth requirement, WAYS, which emphasizes the development of capacity in a broader range of intellectual areas. But by night, as approved by the Faculty Senate last Wednesday, they will also be required to, as chairman David Palumbo-Liu put it, “Just get goddamned turnt, you know?” 

This new “Ways of Drinking, Ways of Screwing” requirement will be divided into eight areas of study including (but not limited to) Embracing Diversity (fulfilled by a single hookup with someone of a different ethnicity), Creative Expression in Twerking, Applied Quantitative Tequila Shots, Unethical Reasoning (including promising that freshman you’ll be able to get her into parties), and Aesthetic and Interpretive Joint Rolling. This will accompany a revival of the Intro to the Humanities, appropriately revamped and renamed as IHUMP.

Waves of support have poured in from students, faculty, and parents alike, with the mother of one female senior saying, “I mean, shit, she stayed inside the house for basically all of high school, and I thought she might change when she went to college. But it’s been just as bad. Look, I don’t mean to pressure her or anything, but the clock is ticking, and I won’t be able to become a grandma forever. These new requirements seem like a great way to make her put on something tight, go out, and find some dudes. Come on, what mom wants her daughter to turn into the neighborhood’s crazy cat lady?”

Students have been equally positive, emphasizing the flexibility these new guidelines allow. “Its so cool,” said one Freshman, “how I can now take Pong Studies on Monday and then Facebook Cleaning 101 on Tuesdays without any conflicts. And there’ll be tons of time for Applied Anatomy on the weekends.” 

The university looks forward to this expansion of its academic breadth in the classroom and, you know, where it really counts.

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