Coming on the heels of an unseasonably cool NSO period, numerous independent sources have confirmed that the men and women in Stanford’s Class of 2017 are simply not as hot as the freshmen classes of previous years.

“I always like to hang out near Wilbur and check out the new freshmen…maybe chat up a few of the hotter ones – I always keep a fan and a spray bottle with me, just in case things get a little too hot,” admitted seventh-year coterm student Dale Huntington.  “I don’t know if it’s improved air conditioning or circulation in the dorms or what, but these freshmen just aren’t as hot as I remembered in the past.”

An unnamed spokesman for Residential and Dining Enterprises (R&DE) admitted that the organization has been making facility improvements in recent years to combat the issue of hot freshmen.  The team has developed an internal metric, which ranges from 0-10, to subjectively judge how hot the entering freshmen are.

“We want to avoid a situation like the one we encountered after the sizzling summer of 1995,” the spokesman reported, lapsing thoughtfully into nostalgic silence for a moment.  “There were 10’s everywhere.  You couldn’t swing a dead palm frond around here without hitting a freshmen with an absolutely scorching body.”

At press time, fraternities across campus were scrambling to reexamine their entrance criteria, fearful that the influx of cool students would skew the normal values of chill-to-pull ratios in favor of the “chill” side of the spectrum.

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