Late Saturday morning a dirty, disheveled figure emerged from a single in the basement of Roble. His pajamas were worn, his beard hung to his chest, and he clutched an empty, dusty beer bottle. He walked past a calendar on a neighbor’s bulletin board and gave a start. May 2013? Haha good joke, bro. He continued on his way, entered the bathroom, peered into the mirror, and uttered a totally manly scream. “What the hell! How long have I been asleep?!”

This is the story of Ripley van Winkle, a Stanford junior who threw a back to school party in his room in September 2012, passed out on his bed, and didn’t wake up for 9 months. After hearing of Mr. van Winkle’s tragedy, we found it to be our journalistic duty to recap some major events of Stanford 2012-2013. So what exactly has happened this year?

  • Stern is actually good. (Seriously. It has improved SO MUCH. You should go.)
  • First black president TAKE TWO!
  • Stanford Rose Bowl CHAMPIONS!
  • There is still a shitload of construction on campus. Well, at least they finished Bing.
  • Ashton-Gallagher demonstrated the power of diversity by running for the ASSU presidency together and winning, in spite of their being from two different frats.
  • Nature has been kind of a bitch, and some fucked up people really fucked up, but the world is still in one piece as of now.

This may not be everything, but we hope this knowledge helps you to assimilate back into Stanford and the greater body of society, Mr. van Winkle. And a word of advice: next time, set an alarm.

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