Despite wide praise for its auspicious opening on January 11th, this week President Hennessy expressed dissatisfaction with the new Bing Concert Hall, claiming that it has not lived up to expectations. “The audience was full of old dudes and lame-o’s! It was totally not diggity!” He exclaimed in disgust. Hennessy went on to decry the performances of The San Francisco Symphony Orchestra and The St. Lawrence String Quartet, saying that “If we keep up with this weak-ass shit, Imma slap a bitch.”
To fix this perceived demographic problem, university higher-ups are planning an impromptu facelift. “We’re renaming it the Bling Concert Hall,” Wiley Hausman told the Flipside, uncomfortably shifting in his bright yellow parachute pants and “Bling it On, Blaby” commemorative T-shirt. “Hopefully this will boost our playa quotient and give the musical venue a bit more street cred.” Acts such as Lil’ Wayne and Ice Cube are now set to grace the stage of the concert hall in the coming months with TwerkFest 2013 to be the crown jewel of the newly rebranded venue.
The proposed overhaul will eventually spread campus-wide, with anything and everything Bing-related being renamed and rebranded to bring the university forward into the modern world of the mid-90s. Green Library will now feature the Bling Wing, boasting the remodeled Lane Reppin’ Room and adorned with portraits of Flavor Flav and Biggie Smalls. To top it all off Peter Bing ’55 himself has legally changed his name to Bling, along with retroactively changing his degree to Urban Studies. For now though, the musical venue is going back under construction, with its gold rims and expected to be completed by mid-2014.