You know Romney’s a rich Mormon and Obama’s a Kenyan socialist, but what other sweeping generalizations can we make about the presidential candidates?
Barack Obama
– leads among Gitmo employees concerned about job security
– blames bad haircut on uncooperative Republican congress
– uses “just a little bit of tongue” when kissing babies at campaign rallies
– automatically starts with a 47% head start in the popular vote
– is running for reelection because he doesn’t feel like looking for a new job in this market
– has the smile that launched a thousand unmanned drone strikes
– hopes that everyone has pretty much forgotten about the Patriot Act by now
– didn’t make good on implicit campaign promise to turn nation into Islamic socialist monarchy
– came out in support of gay marriage, but only after Biden made it cool
– is using the severed head of Osama bin laden as a prop at campaign rallies
Mitt Romney
– plans to run the government like a corporation rather than like a government run by corporations
– has a naturally occurring reservoir of hair gel underneath the surface of his scalp
– is promising 15 trillion new jobs by 2016
– thinks the White House would make a nice Washington DC vacation home
– went on traditional Mormon mission to France so is already well-practiced in trying to convince foreigners to do things they don’t want to do
– once briefly contemplated the word “empathy” as CEO of Bain Capital
– is very in touch with the average* American
– is a populist, in that he will change his views to whatever is popular
– worries the whole “get rid of FEMA” thing is kind of awkward now, what with the hurricane and all
Gary Johnson
– is banking on his campaign manager’s years of experience running local Arby’s franchise
– enjoys the free food he receives at campaign events
– is mainly running for what political pundits classify as “shits and giggles”
– is dealing with libertarian friends who are already begging to hotbox the Oval Office on Friday afternoons
– has the campaign slogan “Fuck the troops. Who cares? We won’t win anyway.”
Jill Stein
– plans to use compostable silverware when dining with foreign dignitaries
– will do a naked lap if she gets one electoral vote
– is experiencing difficulty casting her ballot because she is currently chained to a tree
– is second biggest socialist on the ballot
– hopes to carry on Ralph Nader’s proud tradition of fucking up elections for Democrats
*white, male, Christian, earning $250K+/year
