Last week in a meeting with a select group of high-ranking religious officials, God took the opportunity to assure his followers that the popular reality show “Jersey Shore” is, in fact, part of his divine plan for humanity. While it has long been accepted that tragedies like natural disasters, drought, famine, poverty, cancer, malaria, AIDS, racism, sexism, homophobia, murder, rape and Karl Rove are all important parts of God’s plan for mankind, religious scholars have struggled to explain the absurdities that pervade everyday life. Worried about how mankind might interpret certain “outliers” that don’t fit into a good/evil binary, God decided to clear the air on parts of his plan that seem to defy all logical, moral and spiritual explanation.
Clergy the world over are thrilled and relieved by the recent announcement. “Last Sunday, one of the younger congregation members asked me if God loved ‘The Situation,’ and I didn’t know what to say. I mean, the guy is caricature—he’s barely human, let alone a Christian,” reported Rev. Wilbur Bushman, an Evangelical minister. He added, “Sometimes God’s intentions are clear, like with Hurricane Katrina or the earthquake in Japan, but other times the message is more opaque. It’s a relief to know that we don’t have to chalk it up to ‘mysterious ways’ anymore.”
Additionally, it was reported that God, speaking through the reanimated corpse of Jerry Falwell, took the opportunity to clarify that chicken nuggets, the Snuggie, Carrot Top and edible underwear are parts of His plan for humanity, assuring followers that “their purposes will be revealed to those who truly believe.” God closed the meeting by clarifying that He did, in fact, tell Michelle Bachmann to run for president.