Sources report that Stanford’s mandatory online Alcohol Edu program for freshman helped freshman Ben Zimmerman make better choices about alcohol last Thursday night. “I was totally about to get my slizz on,” Zimmerman told the Flipside earlier this week “but then I remembered that I didn’t even pass Alcohol Edu the first time because I was too lazy to open Wikipedia when I took the final assessment. I said to myself ‘whoa Ben, you better slow down!’” The freshman’s friends reported that a visibly more mature Zimmerman took a few half-hearted shots before murmuring something about “staying in the social zone” and “Amy Winehouse” before leaving the pre-game.

“It’s perfectly normal to have fun without alcohol,” said Zimmerman, who has maintained sobriety since Thursday, “for example, Saturday afternoon I went base jumping, hang gliding, and driving without a seatbelt. These activities are totally awesome and don’t lead to bad decisions, like alcohol does.”

“It’s really scary to think where I could be right now,” Zimmerman said. “Without those hours of surveys and profoundly moving scenarios, I’d probably be puking into someone else’s mouth, penguin style.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…