In light of Osama bin Laden’s recent demise, speculation had been swirling as to who would take his place on the FBI’s Most Wanted List. Anticipation was dispelled at a press conference last Tuesday when FBI agents revealed the identity of America’s new primary target: the long-time black-market criminal and habitual trespasser who is known mostly by her alias, “the Tooth Fairy.”
According to FBI reports, the Tooth Fairy has been active within the United States and American territories for several decades. She is especially known for her ruthless bartering on the black market, often exchanging petty change for her victim’s deciduous teeth. She is currently a primary suspect in nearly 3.6 million cases of forced entry, trespassing on private property, and flying in US airspace without FAA clearance. In fact, her victims claim that she is so stealthy, its almost as if she doesn’t really exist.
US Treasury officials have also been eager to bring the felonious fairy to justice, due to the financial implications of many of her schemes. “The US Treasury Department can easily control the printing of new currency at their mints in order to control inflation,” explained financial analyst Jim Davis, “But with the Tooth Fairy’s seemingly arbitrary introduction of currency into the economy, it throws off the balance that the Treasury Secretary works carefully to perfect.” In recent years, the Tooth Fairy’s ability to conjure US currency has been blamed for increased inflation and the devaluation of the US Dollar in international exchange rates.
Any information that could lead to the discovery or capture of the Tooth Fairy should be reported to local authorities immediately. She was last seen wearing a sequin dress, and is mostly known for breaking into houses that contain prepubescent children.