On a recent visit to campus, Emily Adelson, a prospective Stanford freshman, launched her campaign for the 2015 ASSU executive race. The decision came after she saw the 2011 campaign in full force. “I realize my time will be consumed with spamming people and bugging the fuck out of them with my unrealistic platform ideas, and I think it’s only fair to the electorate that I start preparing now,” stated Adelson. She has also started looking for an ethnic male for a campaign partner, hoping to reassure the student body that she’s “pretty into diversity.” Some of her platform ideas so far feature ambiguously better food options, cooler school dances, and more recess time.
The exploratory committee consists of the candidate and one other profro who said, “Yeah, I’m probably going to Columbia, so….” Still, the candidate presses fervently forward, and has at least four types of googledoc surveys at the ready to gauge her support on campus. The profro seems optimistic about her chances in 2015 and only lamented that she couldn’t add the expected accomplishment to her resume now, in order to impress potential employers this summer. Asked about her overall objective should she win the presidency, the profro responded, “I’m sure I’ll get some stuff done but the title ‘Student Body President’ is pure gold, and should line up some great jobs for me in Silicon Valley. Oh and transparency.”