After losing their housing for the next academic year, members of Kappa Sigma seem to have reverted to a primitive hunter-gatherer lifestyle. Kappa Sigma brothers have been sighted at various locations around campus scavenging for beer and attempting to build rudimentary shelters and squirrel catchers.

Many students worry for the now-nomadic brothers, expressing doubts about whether they will be able to survive in the wild. “I saw this guy digging through a dumpster by Tresidder, and then he turned around, and I realized it was Kappa Sig’s social chair, and I was like, that’s so sad,” said sophomore Kelly Gray. Stanford’s branch of Habitat for Humanity has already scheduled a building project to address the issue.

One brother, who asked that his name be withheld, felt that his three years of Stanford education were turning out to be of no practical use to him. “Bro, I’m just living hand to mouth right now. None of the Economics or IHUM classes I took prepared me at all for this–even Sleep and Dreams was useless,” he said glumly. “I don’t even know which plants are okay to eat and which are good to smoke.”

Some brothers remain defiant and hopeful even in the face of such strife. Over the last week, “Jake” and “Steven” have been amassing a pile of rocks at their temporary base, an oak tree in the wilderness beyond FroSoCo. Jake is not fazed by his homeless condition. “We’re going to take the house back any day now, as soon as we figure out how to sharpen these stones and start fires. We might lose some brothers along the way, but it’s a sacrifice we’ll have to make.” Steven grunted in agreement.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…