Stanford named Condoleezza Rice an honorary football captain at the game on Saturday in honor of her past exploits on the gridiron as a Stanford linebacker. Rice was so excited to relive her glory days that she jumped the gun, rushing into the stadium early, but became noticeably flustered upon finding that kickoff was not until 7:30. She promptly excused herself, claiming, “I was in the possession of good intelligence that the game started at 7:00.”

Rice’s woes did not stop there, though. After losing the opening coin toss, she ordered Stanford’s defensive coordinator to be on the lookout for UCLA’s alleged arsenal of potentially lethal trick plays. As a result, Stanford’s defense allowed UCLA to drive to the one-yard line before realizing the intelligence may have been faulty. Thankfully for everyone involved, UCLA did not attempt to deploy any of its trick plays over the course of the game.

Rice did have success in advising the Stanford offense, as quarterback Andrew Luck enthusiastically attested after the game: “Rice really knows how to lead an attack! Ground game, aerial assault. We had it all going tonight!” Rice was so excited that she prematurely declared victory for Stanford after only one quarter. Stanford did end up winning the game, but suffered significantly more points allowed than projected in the presume show.

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