An epidemic of bed bugs having unprotected sex with other bed bugs is plaguing Stanford dorms. The passionate and risky bed bugs have infested over 10 dorms and it is estimated that there are about 70 cases of unprotected sex every minute in every bed. With that many cases, the race of bugs is growing at a dangerous exponential rate. Illegitimate bed bug children are even infesting the residential homes of Stanford. On top of that, 82% of the bed bugs carry a very contagious STD. To keep yourself safe and healthy, Vaden is mandating that all students use their free $2 worth of SHPRC offer to purchase condoms for the bedbugs.