Dick Cheney recently underwent an extensive series of organ replacement surgeries in an attempt to stabilize his rapidly deteriorating health.
Doctors at George Washington University Hospital originally planned for just a simple kidney transplant but noticed that nearly every one
of Cheney’s organ systems were failing.
“Not only were his kidneys all shot up, but he also had a bunch of liver shit, burst intestines, and weird spongey goo everywhere,” said
Dr. Peter Winbread. “We also couldn’t find his pancreas, and his lungs were making an awful gurgling sound.
”
The elite team of doctors immediately set out to save Cheney’s life with a set of daring procedures.
“Yeah, we were all out of donor organs and missing refugees to harvest,” said Dr.
Winbread. “Luckily there was a nearby auto factory
willing to donate parts.”
The doctors outfitted Cheney with a 4.5 L Duramax Turbo-diesel V8, dual 1600cc Bosch fuel injectors, an Edelbrock 9905 carburetor, and
“some bitchin’ flame decals.”
Cheney reportedly now has over 300 horsepower but gets awful gas mileage.
