Dick Cheney recently underwent an extensive series of organ replacement surgeries in an attempt to stabilize his rapidly deteriorating health.

Doctors at George Washington University Hospital originally planned for just a simple kidney transplant but noticed that nearly every one
of Cheney’s organ systems were failing.

“Not only were his kidneys all shot up, but he also had a bunch of liver shit, burst intestines, and weird spongey goo everywhere,” said
Dr. Peter Winbread. “We also couldn’t find his pancreas, and his lungs were making an awful gurgling sound.”

The elite team of doctors immediately set out to save Cheney’s life with a set of daring procedures.

“Yeah, we were all out of donor organs and missing refugees to harvest,” said Dr. Winbread. “Luckily there was a nearby auto factory
willing to donate parts.”

The doctors outfitted Cheney with a 4.5 L Duramax Turbo-diesel V8, dual 1600cc Bosch fuel injectors, an Edelbrock 9905 carburetor, and
“some bitchin’ flame decals.”

Cheney reportedly now has over 300 horsepower but gets awful gas mileage.

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