A lot of people wonder how Vampire parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what it’s like inside the family and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them because I’ve done it.

I’m using the term “Vampire mother” loosely. I know some werewolf, zombie and orc parents who qualify too. I’m also using the term “Chinese mothers” loosely. Chinese mothers try to do what we do, but they fail to go far enough.

A lot of Chinese mothers think they are being strict, but they usually don’t come close to being Vampire mothers.

For instance, Chinese mothers try to yell at their kids to get them to practice the piano. Vampire mothers just tell their children they will get their necks bitten if they don’t practice. They practice because they believe it.

If a Chinese daughter is overweight, their mother says, “Hey fatty–lose some weight.” This requires the daughter to actually do something about it. This isn’t nearly as effective as the Vampire approach of just starving the child by making them sleep in a coffin for a week with no food. We don’t ask for results, we create them.

Chinese mothers try to force their children to work hard and excel, but that’s not enough. Vampire mothers scare the shit out of their children. How could you not excel when you are scared out of your mind your mom will bite your neck and drink your blood if you don’t perform up to their standards.

It’s a scary, big world out there, and Vampire mothers are arming their kids with the overwhelming fear and paranoia that will force them to excel in the harshest conditions.

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