Ladies and gentlemen, the results are in, the masses have spoken, the advice blog is a success! Since its inception I have received kilobytes upon kilobytes of feedback from contented users who more or less have the same thing to say: Whoo! More specifically, they praise the blog’s interactive format. A typical advice column might answer your question in a day if you’re lucky, but Questin Quentin can respond in just a few minutes, unless I’m doing something important like scrubbing my body clean in the shower. And if you’re especially lucky, we can even have some sort of dialogue-like thing going on. Fame is forthcoming.

Q: Quentin, my boyfriend just dumped me out of the blue and we’d been going out for three years and I loved him and his eyes were as blue as the blue he dumped me out of and oh help, please say something that will make me feel better…


A: Hello, “Jennifer”, if that’s your real name, although I suspect that you are attempting to conceal your identity because you just got dumped. Here’s the deal with relationships as far as I can tell, having never been in one:

At first the women are choosy and fickle and annoying because that’s how they’re wired: natural selection has made them want to be very selective about their mate because they want to pick someone who not only has healthy genetic stock but is likely to stick around during the child raising process. The guys aren’t as picky and they get bugged because they might really like a girl and hone in on her like a laser beam and can’t figure out why the girl doesn’t stop flitting around and saying stupid stuff like ‘I just don’t know what I want’.

Finally the guy ropes the girl in—maybe something happens like a tragedy in the family and she needs someone to lean on, maybe she gets intoxicated and does something against her better judgement but finds out it’s not actually so bad—SOMEHOW he gets her. As the relationship progresses the girl will get more and more attached because nature has made it that way. Even if she’s not actually thinking about having babies she’s thinking about trying to make this man into her partner, and nature is flooding dopamine into her system and it’s basically like an addiction—she’s getting addicted to this guy, just wants the relationship to last forever.

Now the man on the other hand will start feeling bored of the girl after maybe a year or so. This goes into the whole thing about men instinctively wanting to spread their seed and impregnate multiple women (even if there’s no actual impregnation involved) because they are not the ones that actually bear the child, and they are not the ones that are compelled to care for it after it’s born. So now it’s the guy’s turn to be the irrational exasperating one, saying things like ‘We’ve been seeing each other an awful lot lately’, and the girls just can’t figure out why their boyfriend gets more and more distant. And the guys feel guilty, but they just want out and eventually they get out, a la your boyfriend.

Q: Is that supposed to make me feel better?


A: The truth makes everyone feel better.

Q: First of all, I’m not entirely sure how true all that stuff is, even from a biological standpoint. Second of all, someone’s feeling a little cynical, did you just go through a breakup too?


A: No, retard, stupid PS2 wiped my memory card for absolutely no reason and now I have to start all the way from the beginning on Kingdom Hearts. What a deja vu weekend it’s going to be.

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