As finals loom closer, Stanford students have a new reason to wear their bike helmets: to protect their precious brains from the claws and teeth of ravenous zombies.
The rotting, reawakened corpses have been spotted all over campus, staggering and moaning from Lake Lag to Mirrielees. At first, students thought that the disheveled figures were merely inebriated classmates staggering back from parties on the Row. But when one of these creatures pounced on junior Sam Goldberg, shrieking “BRAAAAINSSS! BRAAAAINSSS!” and rabidly gnashing on the Roble resident’s head, students realized they were facing a much more serious threat.
“The first thing I noticed was its stench – like a mixture of roadkill, swamp gas, and dissected frogs,” reports Goldberg. “I could smell it from 25 feet away – only at first, I thought it was just a visiting Cal student. But now I realize that if it weren’t for the sheer volume of my curly fro, I would never have survived that thing’s clutches.
But why would the undead invade Stanford’s campus – and why right before finals? Dr. John Carpas, Stanford Professor of Necroanthropology, believes he has the answer. “As a result of all the cramming, paper-writing, and all-nighters pulled during Dead Week, the level of brainpower in Stanford’s atmosphere skyrockets. The zombies can smell this atmospheric change, and they emerge from their winter hibernation to feast.”
Fortunately, Prof. Carpas suggests a simple solution. “By playing video games and watching mindless YouTube videos, we can dramatically reduce Stanford’s concentration of brainpower. It may be a sacrifice, but what we need is for students to just stop studying.”