IRAN –– Last Wednesday, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad held a press conference to explain the purpose of Iran’s recently discovered nuclear weapons program.

“The world has finally recognized that nuclear technology can be used for good. We don’t plan to launch an attack against another country. Instead, we are going to use these weapons to make things better in Iran.” Ahmadinejad continued, “We only plan to produce enough highly enriched uranium for three nuclear weapons. One to knock out the political opposition, another for the homosexuals and heroin addicts, and the third for the Baha’i people. The international community has nothing to fear.”

Following the announcement, many world leaders backed off their recent criticism of the nation and its leader.  White House staff member and economist Lawrence Summers even lightly supported the decision. “Such action would at least serve to increase GDP per capita and would in the long-run lead to greater individual wealth. The increased GDP would also allow Iran to place more of an emphasis on health care, which will become more of a priority after the nuclear blast.” When asked by the press if he considered his reasoning to be circular, Summers replied, “No, it’s economics.”

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