GRESHAM, OR – For Stanford freshman James Davis, the three week Christmas break was a godsend, enabling him to relax and recharge after a fulfilling and enriching quarter at Stanford and allowing him to spend some well-earned quality time with his loving family. Davis, who absolutely did not spend hours on the computer staring in abject terror at his transcript and sobbing quietly while mopping up his tears on a discarded high school valedictorian’s diploma, spent some time with his younger sisters Mary and Elise, whom he told to “Keep chasing your dreams while they are still young and not flattened by life’s wanton hammer.”
Davis, who received a pair of socks in a color that supposedly matched his eyes, as well as a literary collection entitled ‘Zowie: High-larious Words and Phrases!!!’, stated that these gifts in fact completely rectified the crushing disappointment of his failing grades. In fact, James managed to maintain a cheery smile through festive games, family arguments and a 14 pound turkey, all without even hinting at the soul-crushing damage that his first quarter at Stanford had inflicted upon him. In conversation with his mother Dora, Davis stated, “Geez, Mom, no need to worry, I’m doing fine. I might hang out with someone in the dorm who lives in Portland,” before turning away and staring stoically into space, thinking about the burning tire fire his grades had become.
However, Davis insists that any concern friends or readers may have for him is unwarranted. “Really, I’m doing fine,” he said, “college isn’t really about grades anyway, for we are all tiny and helpless in the face of academia’s weight.” Although he is already three weeks behind this quarter’s reading, Davis is already looking forward to Spring Break, where one week’s relaxation will make up for his complete intellectual failure.