STANFORD—Yesterday, the Stanford Management Company (SMC) announced the liquidation of billion in assets to recoup losses from the global financial crisis.
The assets in question, which included deceased Stanford presidents, securitized Mongolian yurt mortgages, and the Dish’s old SETI device, flooded the Main Quad over the last several business days, preventing hydrophobic students from getting to class.
Overflow from the liquidation was diverted to west campus, where Lagunita became an actual lake for the first time in twenty years.

You May Also Like

Campus Gang “The Freshman 15” Terrorizes Stanford

You can recognize them by their gang-sign: arms crossed holding up one…

TA Spends Another Valentine’s Day Office Hours Alone

With the next problem set not due until one week later, Math…

Palo Alto High School Administration Insists That Drawings On Bathroom Walls Are Actually “Elephants Without Ears”

Claiming the artwork was misunderstood and misrepresented, the school administration finally dispelled…