In the wake of an exhausting health-care battle, pundits could be forgiven for thinking Barack Obama would be content to rest on his laurels for much of the new year. Instead, the President laid out a broad, sweeping vision for 2010, establishing not fucking a slutty hot chick as his top domestic priority.

“This comes at a critical time for our nation, when many folks are angry, and many folks are fed up, and many folks are sick and tired of their leaders not performing up to par in this area,” he said, appearing to reference the recent string of bad news for slutty-hot-chick-fucker Tiger Woods. “But I’m here to tell you today, from one American to another, that we have heard your voices, and we are going to do something about it.”

Like health care, the problem has been notoriously thorny for past presidents. Bill Clinton tried to tackle the not fucking a slutty hot chick issue during his time in office and wasn’t able to deliver. But Obama hopes that by focusing on the specifics and taking things one day at a time, he will succeed where others have failed.

“We’d like to accomplish this through a series of executive orders without getting Congress involved,” said Obama, expressing his fear that the vocal Republican minority could get in the way of his efforts to not fuck a slutty hot chick. “But if we have to legislate, we will legislate,” he announced to loud cheers. “We will get through this, get through it once and for all to make a better world for our children. A world where they can coexist peacefully with slutty hot chicks and not worry that their dads are fucking them.”

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