Family Groans as Power-Crazed Tim Cook Refuses to Unlock the Car

February 29, 2016 12:00 pm
Family Groans as Power-Crazed Tim Cook Refuses to Unlock the Car

Building on the hubris gained in his refusal to unlock the San Bernadino shooter’s iPhone, Apple CEO Tim Cook earned groans and eye-rolls from his wife and two children on Tuesday after adamantly refusing to open the family car. “Friends,” Cook explained, his partner Eric Jirgens folding his arms and […]

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Facebook adds ‘like like’ option

February 24, 2016 12:38 pm
Facebook adds ‘like like’ option

In a recent press release, Facebook has announced that there will now be more options than just “like” to react to your friend’s posts on the popular social networking site.  “We all know what it means when you like someone’s picture, but do you like like it?  Like, for real?” said Mark Zuckerburg […]

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New Charity Distributes Facebook Likes to Starving Children Around the World

November 2, 2015 12:00 pm
New Charity Distributes Facebook Likes to Starving Children Around the World

In recent months, a new online charitable organization has exploded in popularity.  Their mission: to distribute as many Facebook likes as possible to desperate and starving children all over the world. The Silicon Valley-based non-profit, Likes4Hunger, has already motivated thousands of young people across the country to break free of […]

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LaIR Relocation Indicative of Greater CS Department Plan

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LaIR Relocation Indicative of Greater CS Department Plan

Not content with simply housing the highest number of undergraduates and, starting this year, the highest number of female undergraduates, Stanford’s CS department has further developed its plans of territorial expansion by relocating the Lair to the entire second floor of Old Union. “What many people don’t know,” said CS […]

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Student Poet Finds True Passion In Front-End Programming

October 26, 2015 12:00 pm
Man Using Laptop --- Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

From a young age, Stanford freshman Josh Douglas had always been on a fast track to spend his life as a poet. His parents encouraged him to capture his inner music in verse and Douglas would spend his summers writing in forest clearings around North America, wearing only the skins […]

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AlertSU Test 10-8-2015

October 8, 2015 12:44 pm
AlertSU Test 10-8-2015

12:01 PM: This is a tebst of the Stanford University emergency alert system. This is only a test. In a real event, responders will post additional information on one or more of the university emergency communication outlets. Respond “ok” to acknowledge receipt. End of message. 12:02 PM: *test lol 12:06 PM: Sooo did […]

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Curiosity Finds Love on Mars

October 5, 2015 12:01 pm
Curiosity Finds Love on Mars

NASA scientists announced yesterday that its robotic rover Curiosity has found more than just water on the red planet. The team learned of the news on Friday night when Curiosity updated its mission status from “searching for water” to “in a relationship.” The update came as a surprise to many, […]

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Dad Disappointed No Earth, Wind and Fire on Mars

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Dad Disappointed No Earth, Wind and Fire on Mars
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Lonely Sex Robot Inhabiting Drake’s Brain Achieves Sentience

September 28, 2015 12:00 pm
Lonely Sex Robot Inhabiting Drake’s Brain Achieves Sentience

The music world is abuzz with the news that following the release of the collaborative Drake/Future mixtape, What a Time to Be Alive, robot L0v3-U-G1RL, which has lived inside Drake’s brain for the past six years, has finally gained the sentience that was long denied it. The discovery came after detailed analysis […]

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Local Startup Hopes to Disrupt Studying

May 21, 2015 9:00 am
Local Startup Hopes to Disrupt Studying

Stanford, California – Young entrepreneurs at the new startup d.Stract have released the beta-version of their new app aimed at preventing students from studying effectively. The app boasts the ability to “play annoying music, constantly send push-notifications about cat videos, and email pointless Buzzfeed-style lists in real-time.” CEO, co-founder, and […]

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