AlertSU Test 10-8-2015

October 8, 2015 12:44 pm
AlertSU Test 10-8-2015

12:01 PM: This is a tebst of the Stanford University emergency alert system. This is only a test. In a real event, responders will post additional information on one or more of the university emergency communication outlets. Respond “ok” to acknowledge receipt. End of message. 12:02 PM: *test lol 12:06 PM: Sooo did […]

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Curiosity Finds Love on Mars

October 5, 2015 12:01 pm
Curiosity Finds Love on Mars

NASA scientists announced yesterday that its robotic rover Curiosity has found more than just water on the red planet. The team learned of the news on Friday night when Curiosity updated its mission status from “searching for water” to “in a relationship.” The update came as a surprise to many, […]

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Dad Disappointed No Earth, Wind and Fire on Mars

12:00 pm
Dad Disappointed No Earth, Wind and Fire on Mars
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Lonely Sex Robot Inhabiting Drake’s Brain Achieves Sentience

September 28, 2015 12:00 pm
Lonely Sex Robot Inhabiting Drake’s Brain Achieves Sentience

The music world is abuzz with the news that following the release of the collaborative Drake/Future mixtape, What a Time to Be Alive, robot L0v3-U-G1RL, which has lived inside Drake’s brain for the past six years, has finally gained the sentience that was long denied it. The discovery came after detailed analysis […]

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Local Startup Hopes to Disrupt Studying

May 21, 2015 9:00 am
Local Startup Hopes to Disrupt Studying

Stanford, California – Young entrepreneurs at the new startup d.Stract have released the beta-version of their new app aimed at preventing students from studying effectively. The app boasts the ability to “play annoying music, constantly send push-notifications about cat videos, and email pointless Buzzfeed-style lists in real-time.” CEO, co-founder, and […]

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New App Encourages Users to Meet, Beat the Shit out of Each Other

May 18, 2015 12:00 pm
New App Encourages Users to Meet, Beat the Shit out of Each Other

Palo Alto—Calling his application an “exciting reinvention of how people interact,” local programmer Jerry Hamedi noted yesterday that his new app, Clobbr, has gained immense popularity as a tool to help hostile strangers to meet, exchange insults, and violently assault one another. “It can be so uncomfortable to establish a […]

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Tampering With, Destroying Lavatory Smoke Detectors Actually Illegal in Any Context, Reports Justice Department

April 29, 2015 9:00 am
Tampering With, Destroying Lavatory Smoke Detectors Actually Illegal in Any Context, Reports Justice Department

             While most American travelers are aware that tampering with, disabling, or destroying restroom smoke detectors is a violation of federal aviation law, a shocking new report from the US Department of Justice reveals that such behavior is similarly unlawful in ground-based restrooms as well. […]

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Physicists Fascinated by “Schrödinger’s Antisemitism” in SOCC Interview

April 20, 2015 12:01 pm
Physicists Fascinated by “Schrödinger’s Antisemitism” in SOCC Interview

In an exciting week for quantum physicists and philosophers, a quantum superposition akin to the Schrödinger’s cat thought experiment has been observed on the Stanford campus. In the original thought experiment, a cat hidden from the world is both dead and alive simultaneously. In the Students of Color Coalition’s (SOCC) […]

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Study Finds Twin Sent into Space Much Cooler than Twin Left on Earth

March 31, 2015 9:00 am
Study Finds Twin Sent into Space Much Cooler than Twin Left on Earth

Last Friday Astronaut Scott Kelly launched from Kazakhstan on a historical mission to study the long-term effects of living in space on the human body, while his twin, Mark, remained on Earth to serve as a control. Researchers at a host of universities will be watching how Scott’s time in […]

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Scientists at Bell Laboratories Create Innovative New Form of Racism

March 9, 2015 12:00 pm
Scientists at Bell Laboratories Create Innovative New Form of Racism

Murray Hill, NJ, 1953 – Sources report that a crack team in the secretive research and development branch of Bell Laboratories has been working to innovate a new type of racism that may change how racial discrimination works on a national level. “We can’t give you too many details, but […]

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