Drought Ends Just in Time for Admit Weekend

April 25, 2016 12:00 pm
Drought Ends Just in Time for Admit Weekend

STANFORD, CA – After five years of alarmingly low levels of rain water that left California in a state of emergency, the drought was said to be no match for Stanford’s Admit Weekend. Witnesses mentioned that the bare bone reservoirs of Shasta, Oroville and Folsom were immediately filled back up […]

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Mysteries of the Deep Solved by Intrepid 16-Month Old

April 11, 2016 12:00 pm
Mysteries of the Deep Solved by Intrepid 16-Month Old

UNDER THE SEA – Heading up a 20-man expeditionary crew, local 16-month old and reported ‘smooshie-booshkins’ Timmy Kelly has given new hope to a scientific community on the verge of giving up on its under-sea research. Kelly and his crew piloted a refurbished submarine to the bottom of the Marianas […]

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Family Groans as Power-Crazed Tim Cook Refuses to Unlock the Car

February 29, 2016 12:00 pm
Family Groans as Power-Crazed Tim Cook Refuses to Unlock the Car

Building on the hubris gained in his refusal to unlock the San Bernadino shooter’s iPhone, Apple CEO Tim Cook earned groans and eye-rolls from his wife and two children on Tuesday after adamantly refusing to open the family car. “Friends,” Cook explained, his partner Eric Jirgens folding his arms and […]

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Facebook adds ‘like like’ option

February 24, 2016 12:38 pm
Facebook adds ‘like like’ option

In a recent press release, Facebook has announced that there will now be more options than just “like” to react to your friend’s posts on the popular social networking site.  “We all know what it means when you like someone’s picture, but do you like like it?  Like, for real?” said Mark Zuckerburg […]

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New Charity Distributes Facebook Likes to Starving Children Around the World

November 2, 2015 12:00 pm
New Charity Distributes Facebook Likes to Starving Children Around the World

In recent months, a new online charitable organization has exploded in popularity.  Their mission: to distribute as many Facebook likes as possible to desperate and starving children all over the world. The Silicon Valley-based non-profit, Likes4Hunger, has already motivated thousands of young people across the country to break free of […]

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LaIR Relocation Indicative of Greater CS Department Plan

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LaIR Relocation Indicative of Greater CS Department Plan

Not content with simply housing the highest number of undergraduates and, starting this year, the highest number of female undergraduates, Stanford’s CS department has further developed its plans of territorial expansion by relocating the Lair to the entire second floor of Old Union. “What many people don’t know,” said CS […]

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Student Poet Finds True Passion In Front-End Programming

October 26, 2015 12:00 pm
Man Using Laptop --- Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

From a young age, Stanford freshman Josh Douglas had always been on a fast track to spend his life as a poet. His parents encouraged him to capture his inner music in verse and Douglas would spend his summers writing in forest clearings around North America, wearing only the skins […]

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AlertSU Test 10-8-2015

October 8, 2015 12:44 pm
AlertSU Test 10-8-2015

12:01 PM: This is a tebst of the Stanford University emergency alert system. This is only a test. In a real event, responders will post additional information on one or more of the university emergency communication outlets. Respond “ok” to acknowledge receipt. End of message. 12:02 PM: *test lol 12:06 PM: Sooo did […]

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Curiosity Finds Love on Mars

October 5, 2015 12:01 pm
Curiosity Finds Love on Mars

NASA scientists announced yesterday that its robotic rover Curiosity has found more than just water on the red planet. The team learned of the news on Friday night when Curiosity updated its mission status from “searching for water” to “in a relationship.” The update came as a surprise to many, […]

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Dad Disappointed No Earth, Wind and Fire on Mars

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Dad Disappointed No Earth, Wind and Fire on Mars
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