Ninja Loses Throwing Stars, Keys in Worst Day Ever

January 23, 2017 12:00 pm
Ninja Loses Throwing Stars, Keys in Worst Day Ever

Koga, Japan—Ruffling frantically through the piles of yari spears and rocket-propelled arrows littering the floor of his apartment, local ninja Kato Danzo told reporters yesterday that he had somehow lost both his car keys and favorite set of throwing stars in what was undoubtedly the worst day ever. “Oh man, […]

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A Milk-Based Diet Has Kept Babies Slim And Trim For Centuries, And Here’s How To Make It Work For You

January 19, 2017 9:00 am
A Milk-Based Diet Has Kept Babies Slim And Trim For Centuries, And Here’s How To Make It Work For You

Have you always wondered how infants find it so easy to keep their weight well below 50 pounds? Well, our researchers have been huffing a shit-ton of gasoline this past year, so they did too. We conducted a study on the dietary habits of 35 Palo Alto infants ranging in […]

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My Sunday Afternoon With Vice President Elect Mike Pence

January 17, 2017 12:00 pm
My Sunday Afternoon With Vice President Elect Mike Pence

We began the day with a light stroll through the farmer’s market down the road. I wanted to hold his hand, but he held them behind his back for the entire forty-five minutes.  I picked up some ingredients for snacks on the picnic we had planned, and only Mike’s favorites: […]

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Op-Ed: I Used To Think Alcohol Was Cool But Now I Know It’s Wack AF

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Op-Ed: I Used To Think Alcohol Was Cool But Now I Know It’s Wack AF

By Mikey Fresh Listen peeps, I’m a student and I know what it’s like to want to drink alcohol. You’re at a bitchin’ party on campus, the DJ starts spinning Ludacris tracks, and there are hotties aplenty. Suddenly you look around and other students are holding red solo cups filled […]

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For Orthodox Christians, War On Christmas Rages On

January 11, 2017 9:00 am
For Orthodox Christians, War On Christmas Rages On

Despite the fact that December 25th now lies behind us, the War On Christmas continues, with the bloodiest fighting occurring in Orthodox Christmas, also known as Occupied Early January. While many involved in the conflict concern themselves primarily with Christmas’s aggressive expansion toward Thanksgiving, gobbling up virtually the entirety of […]

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We Shot This Man With A Gun And The Results Were Horrifying

January 10, 2017 12:00 pm
We Shot This Man With A Gun And The Results Were Horrifying
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With Imminent Defunding Of Planned Parenthood, Americans Agree to Just Stop Having Sex

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19270872 - couple is considering the future design of the apartment

With news that the GOP is planning on defunding Planned Parenthood with the repeal of Obamacare, a new study shows that millions of young couples have simply agreed to stop having sex. “What else can we do now? It might just be for the best,” says Andrew Verma. “I and […]

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Asshole Wants Poutine

January 3, 2017 12:00 pm
Asshole Wants Poutine

CHICAGO, IL – According to several reports within the close-knit friend group, requests from area man Mike LaVan to secure a poutine-based meal have grown increasingly urgent over the past 24-48 minutes. Poutine, Canada’s favorite heap of heart-stopping glop, is reportedly “right around the corner…and smells really good,” according to LaVan. “You guys, […]

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White House Begins Construction of Catacombs In Preparation Of Mike Pence’s Arrival

December 5, 2016 12:01 pm
White House Begins Construction of Catacombs In Preparation Of Mike Pence’s Arrival

While millions of American workers enjoyed a hard-earned break over the Thanksgiving holiday, the team at Washington Vampiric Construction Ltd. was working hard as ever on their fast-paced winter project: a 13thcentury-inspired gothic tomb structure to house Vice President-Elect Mike Pence, a 100% real vampire. Maddy Ellingson, the construction team’s […]

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Cool Grandma Plans To Get “Eggnog Blitzed” This Holiday Season

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Cool Grandma Plans To Get “Eggnog Blitzed” This Holiday Season

Betty Peterson, 90, is quick to remind family and friends that she lives for only two things in this world: “playing bridge and getting belligerent.” Regarding last year’s holiday events, Betty’s youngest grandson Doug recounted: “Last Christmas, I asked Santa for a new skateboard. I was really excited to see […]

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