Yikes! No One Told Mike Pence That Jesus Died, And He Only Just Found Out

April 4, 2017 12:00 pm
LAS VEGAS, NV - APRIL 25:  Indiana Gov. Mike Pence attends the Republican Jewish Coalition spring leadership meeting at The Venetian Las Vegas on April 25, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada. The Republican Jewish Coalition's annual meeting featured potential Republican presidential candidates in attendance, along with Republican super donor Sheldon Adelson.  (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
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Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation

March 5, 2017 12:00 pm
Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation

Stern Dining — Larkin resident Patrick Freedman sits alone, searching through the classifieds in hopes of finding a new job. Freedman had previously been comfortably employed as a professional vegan, paid by the university to remind meat-eating students that they are moral scum. Freedman would roam the lunch lines and […]

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Friend That Parents Remember Isn’t Actually Close Friend

February 27, 2017 12:00 pm
Friend That Parents Remember Isn’t Actually Close Friend

“How’s Chloe?” Janice McDermott asked her daughter, Amika McDermott (’16), over the phone Monday morning, evidently unaware that the aforementioned Chloe is simply a close acquaintance of Amika’s who Mrs. McDermott happened to have passingly met at Parents’ Weekend. “I just want to check in on you and your friends—you […]

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Shaftmaster and Vajayjaytarian Really Going At It In Comments Section Of BEST BROKEN BONES COMPILATION EVER (SLOW MOTION)

February 22, 2017 12:00 pm
Shaftmaster and Vajayjaytarian Really Going At It In Comments Section Of BEST BROKEN BONES COMPILATION EVER (SLOW MOTION)

Describing the exchange between the two YouTube users as one of the most brutal and genuinely terrifying online discussions they have ever witnessed, viewers of the video BEST BROKEN BONES COMPILATION EVER (SLOW MOTION) told reporters that Shaftmaster and Vajayjaytarian were absolutely tearing into each other in an extended comment […]

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Remember, Your Body Is Just A Vessel For Getting Good Grades

February 21, 2017 12:00 pm
Remember, Your Body Is Just A Vessel For Getting Good Grades

In this crazy roller coaster called college, it’s very easy to lose perspective. Us students often have a hard time seeing the bigger picture, and small issues tend to get blown way out of proportion. I’m here to kindly remind you: not everything in life is as important as your […]

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Report: Campus Rocked by Exploding-Butt-Related Deaths

12:00 pm
Report: Campus Rocked by Exploding-Butt-Related Deaths

Stanford, CA – For months, the question of why so many people have died from their butts exploding has perplexed experts. In an in-depth report, we finally take a look at why the butts are exploding, how they’re exploding, and the impact the butt explosions have had on our community. […]

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A Treatise On The Giving Me Of Your Lunch Money

February 13, 2017 12:00 pm
A Treatise On The Giving Me Of Your Lunch Money

It has now become evident that, since we last spoke, our open correspondence has deteriorated significantly. Perchance your dumb loser head is having trouble comprehending the predicament that we have found ourselves in. As such, I hope that you realize that I am trying to do the noble thing here […]

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Trump Family Probably Actually Just A Set of Russian Nesting Dolls

February 9, 2017 12:00 pm
Trump Family Probably Actually Just A Set of Russian Nesting Dolls

Recently, news sources have been claiming that there may finally be an explanation to all of the peculiarities to the Trump family and administration—the Trump family is actually just a set of Russian nesting dolls. Supporters of this theory argue that this is why Trump wants to keep his children […]

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Experts Suggest ‘Alternative Facts’ Fad Will Soon Give Way To ‘Indie Facts’

February 7, 2017 12:00 pm
Experts Suggest ‘Alternative Facts’ Fad Will Soon Give Way To ‘Indie Facts’

After much controversy surrounding the Trump administration’s embracement of ‘alternative facts’, sociologists at Stanford have concluded that this new troubling fad will eventually give way to ‘indie facts’, which will generally be much more interesting and pleasant. Although alternative facts are all the rage right now, experts have concluded that […]

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Whistleblower Swarmed by Dogs

February 6, 2017 12:00 pm
Whistleblower Swarmed by Dogs
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