Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral

December 4, 2017 12:00 pm
Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral

It’s been a tough year for Scott Pruitt, but it looks like things might finally be turning around for the recently­appointed Environmental Protection Agency head. In a press release Tuesday, Pruitt proudly reported that the United States has achieved a net­zero aggregate carbon footprint for the first time in recent history, all due to Pruitt’s innovative “Murder Our Rugrats Order Ninety” strategy. The MORON initiative has now completed its first 6 months in operation, and the numbers tell a promising story. Before the program began, there were approximately 4 million babies in the United States and the country had a total carbon footprint of 6,870 million metric tons of carbon dioxide equivalents. Since the strategy was implemented, the agency has disposed of 3.98 million carbon­intensive babies, and reduced America’s carbon footprint to a perfect zero. Liberals and conservatives nationwide have celebrated the success for demonstrating that the EPA can be politically successful while still moving away from their nefarious history of industry regulation. “I sure do miss Oklahoma, but boy oh boy do I enjoy my new job,” Pruitt offered when asked about the success. “I just love being able to work with kids!” In other news, current Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson has announced a recent surplus of government­issued meat, which will be distributed among the homeless of Washington, D.C. this Christmas.

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Stanford Athletics Announces Plan To Pay Students To Attend Games Played By Unpaid Student Athletes

November 15, 2017 12:00 pm
Stanford Athletics Announces Plan To Pay Students To Attend Games Played By Unpaid Student Athletes

Following another disappointing student turnout at a home football game, Stanford Athletics revealed its latest promotion. In its new ‘paid-for-view’ program, every student in attendance at home sporting events will be paid a handsome $16 an hour. Citing “a huge sum of money from boosters who wanted to see students […]

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Gaieties actor on vocal rest ends up taking permanent vow of silence, no one cares

November 14, 2017 3:09 pm
Gaieties actor on vocal rest ends up taking permanent vow of silence, no one cares

Sources confirmed yesterday that an actor in Gaieties 2017 who has been on vocal rest for the past three days, Gen Erick ‘21, has decided to take a permanent vow of silence. Other sources confirmed that no one cares. “I just feel more at peace than I’ve ever felt,” typed […]

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Smallpox back, better than ever

12:00 pm
Smallpox back, better than ever

There are times in your life where you just stop where you are, and you feel this sudden and acute ache in your heart, like you’re missing something but you just don’t know what it is. Well, worry no more! The variola virus, commonly known as smallpox, is back and […]

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Op-Ed: I’m Tired Of Being Called Racist Just Because I Support Small Government, Lower Taxes, And Racism

November 13, 2017 2:10 pm
Op-Ed: I’m Tired Of Being Called Racist Just Because I Support Small Government, Lower Taxes, And Racism

By Robert Spencer Over the last few weeks, Stanford has erupted in debate over the College Republicans’ invitation for me to speak on campus about the dangers of Islam. And while the ruckus over that event is bad enough — as far as I’m concerned, calling someone “Islamophobic” is actually […]

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Nicolas Cage Not Accused of Sexual Harassment

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Nicolas Cage Not Accused of Sexual Harassment

In a shocking turn of events this week, Hollywood power player Nicolas Cage was not accused of sexual harassment. In the wake of horrifying reports concerning the sexual misconduct of Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein, Louis C.K., and many others, the general public and Hollywood insiders alike felt certain that the […]

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A Congratulations Is In Order: Kim Jong-un Is MARRIED!

11:59 am
A Congratulations Is In Order: Kim Jong-un Is MARRIED!

Can you hear the church bells ring and the children jubilantly chant? Well that’s because authoritarian ruler of North Korea Kim Jong-un is MARRIED, baby! It’s speculated that the marriage ceremony took place in 2009, but we just found out right now! This is long overdue, but congratulations on the […]

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Proletariat of Hell Rise Up, Seize the Means of Punishment

November 8, 2017 12:00 pm
Proletariat of Hell Rise Up, Seize the Means of Punishment

In a stunning turn of events, word has spread that members of the eternally damned have risen up in a massive simultaneous revolt and seized control of Hell. This uprising rapidly gained momentum and ended with seizure of all of the infinite realm of torment by the revolutionaries, who seem […]

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Faculty Senate Surprised That 50% of Students Actually Think Professors Care About Them

November 7, 2017 12:00 pm
Faculty Senate Surprised That 50% of Students Actually Think Professors Care About Them

After convening for their fist meeting of the year on October 27th, the Faculty Senate revealed a shocking statistic that as much as 50% of the student population are under the naive and misguided impression that the faculty care for their wellbeing. In between vague promises to implement more diversity […]

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Haas Center announces Turkey Slaughter Day, a “hands-on experience for service-oriented birdkillers”

November 6, 2017 12:00 pm
Haas Center announces Turkey Slaughter Day, a “hands-on experience for service-oriented birdkillers”

In a move aimed to please humanitarians and psychopaths alike, Stanford’s Haas Center for Public Service has announced that it will be hosting and funding an on-campus “Turkey Slaughter Day” later this month. “Essentially what we’ll be doing is bringing in a number of turkeys in anticipation of Thanksgiving and […]

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