Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation

March 5, 2017 12:00 pm
Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation

Stern Dining — Larkin resident Patrick Freedman sits alone, searching through the classifieds in hopes of finding a new job. Freedman had previously been comfortably employed as a professional vegan, paid by the university to remind meat-eating students that they are moral scum. Freedman would roam the lunch lines and […]

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Marc Tessier-Lavigne to Allow Two Hottest People From Each Dorm to Get On Ark

February 27, 2017 12:00 pm
Marc Tessier-Lavigne to Allow Two Hottest People From Each Dorm to Get On Ark

STANFORD, CA — As the threat of flood increases each day of this rainy season at Stanford, Marc Tessier-Lavigne has announced a plan for the two hottest people from each dorm to begin boarding his ark. “At some point everyone will have to accept the reality of this armageddon flood […]

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Report: Trump’s Actual Skin Quite Thin Too

12:00 pm
Report: Trump’s Actual Skin Quite Thin Too

WASHINGTON D.C. – In addition to reports of Donald Trump having “too thin skin” because of his impulsive retaliations on Twitter against any sort of criticism, a recently leaked account of the president’s last checkup has revealed that his actual skin is quite thin too. It’s stretched so precariously over […]

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Friend That Parents Remember Isn’t Actually Close Friend

12:00 pm
Friend That Parents Remember Isn’t Actually Close Friend

“How’s Chloe?” Janice McDermott asked her daughter, Amika McDermott (’16), over the phone Monday morning, evidently unaware that the aforementioned Chloe is simply a close acquaintance of Amika’s who Mrs. McDermott happened to have passingly met at Parents’ Weekend. “I just want to check in on you and your friends—you […]

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Biker Hit By Marguerite Shuttle Still Arrives At Destination Before Marguerite

February 26, 2017 12:00 pm
Biker Hit By Marguerite Shuttle Still Arrives At Destination Before Marguerite

  In a horrifying crash just in front of the Oval, the Marguerite, Stanford’s Free Shuttle, hit sophomore Josh Thacil while he was biking to the CalTrain station last week.   Onlookers say Thacil went flying through the air after being clipped by the bus, and emergency services were quickly […]

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Shaftmaster and Vajayjaytarian Really Going At It In Comments Section Of BEST BROKEN BONES COMPILATION EVER (SLOW MOTION)

February 22, 2017 12:00 pm
Shaftmaster and Vajayjaytarian Really Going At It In Comments Section Of BEST BROKEN BONES COMPILATION EVER (SLOW MOTION)

Describing the exchange between the two YouTube users as one of the most brutal and genuinely terrifying online discussions they have ever witnessed, viewers of the video BEST BROKEN BONES COMPILATION EVER (SLOW MOTION) told reporters that Shaftmaster and Vajayjaytarian were absolutely tearing into each other in an extended comment […]

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Op-Ed: Let Me Tell You Why You’re Wrong

February 21, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Let Me Tell You Why You’re Wrong

  Look, you have a lot of valid points, I’ll give you that. And don’t get me wrong, this has been a thought-provoking and respectful debate so far. You definitely raise some interesting questions, but let’s be honest: you’re wrong. You’re just so incredibly wrong and also, I’m right. Let […]

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Remember, Your Body Is Just A Vessel For Getting Good Grades

12:00 pm
Remember, Your Body Is Just A Vessel For Getting Good Grades

In this crazy roller coaster called college, it’s very easy to lose perspective. Us students often have a hard time seeing the bigger picture, and small issues tend to get blown way out of proportion. I’m here to kindly remind you: not everything in life is as important as your […]

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Report: Campus Rocked by Exploding-Butt-Related Deaths

12:00 pm
Report: Campus Rocked by Exploding-Butt-Related Deaths

Stanford, CA – For months, the question of why so many people have died from their butts exploding has perplexed experts. In an in-depth report, we finally take a look at why the butts are exploding, how they’re exploding, and the impact the butt explosions have had on our community. […]

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Classifieds: Don’t Forget About Dan’s Marathon!

12:00 pm
Classifieds: Don’t Forget About Dan’s Marathon!

Hope everybody had a great time at Dance Marathon last Saturday, it seemed like a great event for a great cause. I just thought I’d pipe in and remind you that my similar dance event, Dan’s Marathon will be taking place this coming weekend. I’d love to see you there! […]

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