The Drought Is Over And It Is Time To Revel In California’s Liquid Bounty

May 22, 2017 12:00 pm
The Drought Is Over And It Is Time To Revel In California’s Liquid Bounty

The drought is gone, and California is saved. We did it! And now that the water’s back, we are glad to bring these wet tidings to you now. Turn on all of the water taps. Let them run. For now is a time of plenty! We’ve got water to spare, […]

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Help! I Cloned Jesus from a Mosquito Trapped in Amber and Now He’s Ruining My Theme Park

12:00 pm
Help! I Cloned Jesus from a Mosquito Trapped in Amber and Now He’s Ruining My Theme Park

When I opened this theme park all those years ago, all I had was a little cash and a big dream: to create a place where visitors could come and, even if only for a few hours, experience the presence of our one and only messiah. But now look at […]

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Stop-Ed: He Has Good Intentions But He’s Scaring The Children

May 21, 2017 12:00 pm
Stop-Ed: He Has Good Intentions But He’s Scaring The Children

Stop him! Oh dear god, do you see what he’s doing? He’s beginning to scare the children. I realize that he has good intentions and all, but the mouth-breathing is just getting completely out of hand.  I’ve been planning Tommy’s birthday party for over a month now, and Ed is […]

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Op Ed: I Used to Think “Safe Spaces” Were Dumb, Then A Pack of Timber Wolves Started Stalking Me

May 19, 2017 12:00 pm
Op Ed: I Used to Think “Safe Spaces” Were Dumb, Then A Pack of Timber Wolves Started Stalking Me

If you had talked to me about politics a few weeks ago, I would’ve had one thing and one thing only to say to you: these college kids need to stop it with their damn safe spaces! Out in the real world, they can’t expect everyone to coddle them and […]

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New Wine Tasting Class Teaches Students How To Intimidate People With Their Wealth

May 15, 2017 12:00 pm
New Wine Tasting Class Teaches Students How To Intimidate People With Their Wealth

After hearing concerns that FRENLANG 60D French Viticulture, inadequately prepared students for the experience of wine-tasting in the real world, Stanford will introduce a new course that will more appropriately teach students how to bully their lessers with their carefully curated taste in fineries. “FRENLANG 600D will introduce Stanford students […]

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Op-Ed: This Article Just Wrote Itself!

12:00 pm
Op-Ed: This Article Just Wrote Itself!

Wow, this article was so easy, it just wrote itself! Nothin’ to it, my dude! The words just flowed outta me.  I sat back, sipped on my soda-pop, and just watched the jokes appear on the screen one after the other.  It’s almost as if my tiny human brain contributed […]

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Darty Season Bittersweet For Day-Drinking Alcoholic

12:00 pm
Darty Season Bittersweet For Day-Drinking Alcoholic

The day party. A darty, if you will. With weather warming up and spring quarter in full swing, darty season is upon us. And it couldn’t have come soon enough for the budding alcoholics of Stanford University. “Honestly it’s great. Instead of having to drink alone in my room in the […]

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Op-Ed: I Can Detach My Jaw Like an Anaconda in Order to Eat Eggplants Vertically

12:00 pm
Op-Ed: I Can Detach My Jaw Like an Anaconda in Order to Eat Eggplants Vertically

Yes, I have the ability to detach my upper jaw from my lower jaw so that my teeth can be separated by a greater distance in order to eat certain vegetables vertically. Typically, the vegetable in question is an eggplant. Once my jaw is detached, I am constrained only by […]

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Op-Ed: I Invented A Color And Here’s What You Need To Know About It

May 8, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: I Invented A Color And Here’s What You Need To Know About It

You’ve probably already read about it, but if you haven’t, here’s the deal: I invented a brand new color, never before seen, and you need to know a few things before you can just go and look at it. First off, you might be wondering how I “invented” a color. […]

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5 Common Misconceptions About The East Coast That Just. Aren’t. True!

12:00 pm
5 Common Misconceptions About The East Coast That Just. Aren’t. True!

At a West Coast school like Stanford, there’s bound to be a stereotype or two about our neighbors over on the other side of the country. But just because you believe something doesn’t make it true! Here are five common mistakes made about East Coasters. 1. They Call the Atlantic […]

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