Op-Ed: I Invented A Color And Here’s What You Need To Know About It

May 8, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: I Invented A Color And Here’s What You Need To Know About It

You’ve probably already read about it, but if you haven’t, here’s the deal: I invented a brand new color, never before seen, and you need to know a few things before you can just go and look at it. First off, you might be wondering how I “invented” a color. […]

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5 Common Misconceptions About The East Coast That Just. Aren’t. True!

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5 Common Misconceptions About The East Coast That Just. Aren’t. True!

At a West Coast school like Stanford, there’s bound to be a stereotype or two about our neighbors over on the other side of the country. But just because you believe something doesn’t make it true! Here are five common mistakes made about East Coasters. 1. They Call the Atlantic […]

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Students Joining “Fuck Caterpillars” Club Confused If Sexytime Fuck or Derogatory Fuck

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Students Joining “Fuck Caterpillars” Club Confused If Sexytime Fuck or Derogatory Fuck

STANFORD – As a larger and larger crowd built at Old Union for Stanford’s new “Fuck Caterpillars” club, it became clear that some students were confused as to whether “Fuck” referred to the physical act of love-making or the popular vernacular expression of contempt, sources confirmed Sunday. Even following the […]

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Brilliant “Le Pen -> Lapin” Pun Wasted On You Anglophone Fucks

May 7, 2017 12:20 pm
Brilliant “Le Pen -> Lapin” Pun Wasted On You Anglophone Fucks

Attempts to cover the upcoming French election between center-right banker Emmanuel Macron and far-right professional Islamophobe Marine Le Pen have left media outlets enraged as they realize that their brilliant “Le Pen -> lapin” puns mean nothing to useless English speakers. “This is a catastrophe,” said leading satirist and French-speaker […]

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Coolest Senior Excited To Move To, Be “So Over” New York

May 5, 2017 12:00 pm
Coolest Senior Excited To Move To, Be “So Over” New York

After four years of blasé sighs, insatiable apathy, and open assertions that she should have gone to Yale, senior Courtney Chetwind told friends on Tuesday that she’s “ecstatic” to move to New York City and immediately become disenchanted with it. “It took only a few hours of NSO for me […]

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Trend Alert! These Hip Young Millennials Are Wearing Surgical Masks So They Don’t Inhale the Toxic Fumes of a Dying Planet

May 1, 2017 12:01 pm
Trend Alert! These Hip Young Millennials Are Wearing Surgical Masks So They Don’t Inhale the Toxic Fumes of a Dying Planet

Looks like the fashionistas are gonna have a field day with this one, folks. Millennials worldwide have started wearing surgical masks so they don’t breathe in the poisoned air of a slowly-dying planet, and damn do they pull it off! Sure, fashion is subjective, but come on — just take […]

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OpEd: I totally screwed my Roo by framing him for murder

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OpEd: I totally screwed my Roo by framing him for murder

Hey, Gibby here. I know there’s technically no “winner” of Screw your Roo, an event put on in most freshmen dorms to help get your roommate screwed, but if there was, I might as well be handed the prize right now. Rather than going the normal route of setting my […]

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Child Conceived in Coachella Tent Will Have Bad Life, Says Science

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Child Conceived in Coachella Tent Will Have Bad Life, Says Science

Deaugh Laboratories, Seattle, Washington —  After nearly 15 years of research, Chief Scientist O. B. Vyuss and his team have concluded that children conceived in a Coachella tent really won’t have much going for them at all. The findings are to be presented at the 2017 Pacific International Scientist Summit, […]

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Update: Internet Still Cesspit Full Of Racism

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Update: Internet Still Cesspit Full Of Racism

We are here this week to report that as of 6:34 PM on Sunday April 30th, the Internet is still a garbage place, and that it is mostly filled with racism. These are the results from a check that began at around 7:51 PM on Friday evening. The survey performed […]

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Report: Discussion Section Dominated By That One Student Who Actually Does The Reading

April 30, 2017 12:00 pm
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Multiple sources have confirmed that there is one student in the 1:30PM discussion section of the Rhetoric of Origami that really just monopolizes the conversation, as he is the sole student to consistently complete the assigned readings. Students reportedly had identified the troublesome student Adam Thatcher in the 12 person […]

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