Stanford Police To Promote Autocratic Bike Safety Policies

In response to an increase in bicycle accidents in the past few weeks, Stanford Police have adopted a new, stricter ticketing policy concerning bike safety. It is based on measures taken by the Soviet...

May 5th, 2012

Beards and Books: Occupy Meyer to Join Housing System

 In response to disgruntled cries over a disorganized and disappointing housing system, Residential and Dining Enterprises will be introducing a new lifestyle option for students. From now until its...

May 4th, 2012

Area Man Saving Himself For Politics or Coaching

Local grad student Mark Henderson has announced he will abstain from sexual intercourse until he is elected to public office or becomes a football coach. “I’ve made the decision to wait,” said Mark...

May 3rd, 2012

Stanford Falls Behind in Alcohol Consumption Rates

The National rankings for college consumption of alcohol are out and once again Stanford ranks slightly below the national average. The survey was run by the Core Institute, the largest national Alcohol...

May 2nd, 2012

New Contemplation Center the Result of Aggressive Game of “Text or 4.2 Million Dollar Building”

Stanford Board of Trustees member Wendy Munger woke up in a daze last Sunday morning only to realize that she had approved a new 4.2 million dollar contemplation center as part of a ridiculous game. Modeled...

May 1st, 2012

Cool ProFro Scores Alcohol for Upperclassmen

With Admit Weekend in the rearview mirror, rumors have begun to surface of a lone cool ProFro who managed to obtain alcohol for his hosts despite a campus-wide ban in effect throughout the weekend. The...

April 30th, 2012

Nobel Prize in Economics Awarded for “Master Hand” Theory

Stanford economics professor Gerald Walker was recently awarded the Nobel Prize in economics after pioneering the new “master hand” theory of markets to explain recent trends in global finance. “The...

April 30th, 2012

Board of Trustees To Buy $4.2 Million of “Contemplation Toilets”

After an extensive study regarding the contemplation resources available on campus, the Stanford Board of Trustees took a decisive action in a vote this past week and designated 4.2 million dollars for...

April 30th, 2012

Tupac Hologram Murdered on Las Vegas Strip

After stunning crowds at the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival with the realistic look of a holographic Tupac Shakur, Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg did what any excited reveling superstars would do:...

April 24th, 2012

Study: Conversations on Concrete Benches Around Meyer Library Revealed to be Sickeningly Cliché

In a report released last Wednesday by behavioral scientists at Stanford, researchers concluded that the overwhelming majority of conversations that take place on the concrete benches encircling Meyer...

April 23rd, 2012

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