“Before I had come to Stanford,” as Alejandro ‘I swear to god I’m from Chile please don’t drop me’ Martner, a SNU Senior and Social Chair says, “I thought I’d seen the dregs of global nightlife. I was at a rave in the basement of a sanitation facility in Bogotá. Nobody’s sweat was their own. It was titillating. But Eurotrash proved me wrong. That’s why we needed the party theme of American Trash, to pay homage to the filth and dysfunction of Kappa Sigma. Eurotrash has it all and you know how much I want it all–weaker drinks than a LA Bar Mitzvah, a longer wait than Berkhine in Berlin, more tantalizing men than my mother’s house parties. So we, here at SNU, aside from convincing skeptical freshmen that we aren’t a co-op, must flex our pheromonal prowess. And throw beer on people too.”
The Social Chairs of Sigma Nu had been planning for weeks to ensure that the Poubelle-Americaine was a step above Eurotrash in every way. They bought American Gothic, defaced it with pee, and hung it from the balcony. The house purchased several industrial humidifiers to ensure that everyone on the dance floor was sufficiently slick. Each member got hold of their middle school PE teacher’s Spotify Wrapped, aggregated by an in-house, secret algorithm to create a playlist. Natural Light was purchased and carefully laid out in the sun to ensure maximum mustiness by Friday. As dubiously potable as these Natties, to remain in compliance with SUPER’s (Office of Substance Use Programs Education & Resources) EANAB (Equally Attractive Non-Alcoholic Beverage) policy, they served the wastewater from Arillaga Dining’s dish-cleaning station.
As both Kappa Sigma and SNU are under probationary status, both Eurotrash and Poubelle Americaine were in precarity. Precautions were taken. Kappa Sigma restricted pledge shower schedules to dissuade guests from going anywhere near their chernobylic odor. However,
The Flipside’s inside sources have information that frosh roommates of these pledges will testify that these Kappa Sigmas didn’t shower before they rushed either, clearing the fraternity of all responsibility. SNU, themselves, face a DEI complaint because, it turns out, they’d been forcing a pledge to fake a British accent since rush.
Although none of this matters much. Freshmen will get to take part in the time-honored Stanford tradition of attending a terrible party in week one before realizing that their dorm social scene isn’t so bad after all. As they say in SNU (and nowhere else in the world), C’est la vie.