It is no secret that one can locate their computer science classes by scent alone. Simply follow your nose along any malodorous path of this putrid campus and you will surely end up in a computer science lecture. In an attempt to remedy this, Stanford University set out with the following plan: flood all dorms heavily populated with CS majors.

An anonymous whistleblower from Stanford Residential and Dining Experiences shares a secret communiqué from the Office of the President to the head of R&DE, outlining the plan to shower these pungent students. At admin’s request, R&DE sabotaged sprinklers neighborhood-wide, preparing for an inescapable, Neighborhood N tsunami during move-in.

However, MTL’s master plan was sadly flushed away due to an unpredictable set of conditions. Miraculously, toilets in both Branner and Crothers had been clogged due to what is being dubbed by students as an “Act of Arrillaga”. The blocked toilets put excessive strain on the plumbing, meaning that the sprinklers sputtered when they should have spurted. However, in Toyon, where the upperclassmen’s gastronomic systems have already been well-adjusted to the Arrillaga Family Dining Commons, there was nothing to stop the sprinklers, and the building soon laid bare to Poseidon’s wrath.

And so, Toyon was flooded. Admin shelved the remainder of the deplorable plan, and in the ensuing chaos and tumult, our brave R&DE whistleblower was able to escape with their life, but who knows for how long. As a displaced Toyonite myself, I live in fear, that perhaps soon, we may be displaced by the administration once more. Had Neighborhood N’s brave freshmen not eaten at Arrillaga on that fateful day, who knows what world we would be living in?

Next time you see someone wearing a lanyard on this campus, thank them for their service; the next time you smell a CS student, remember that it is their right to stink to high heaven, even if that heaven is Nick Parlante’s 106A; and the next time you see Stanford Admin, remind them of their place.

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