Articles by: Stu Melton

Patriots’ Balls Smaller Than Claimed

January 28, 2015 9:00 amComments Off on Patriots’ Balls Smaller Than Claimed
Patriots’ Balls Smaller Than Claimed

NFL officials published a report this past week indicating that despite being cleared by a referee before their most recent game, the New England Patriots’ balls did not meet league standards for size. Bill Belichick, Patriots head coach, refused to comment at length on the controversy, shouting “ Size doesn’t matter!” while fleeing […]

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My mom makes this transcendent Pico de Gallo

January 26, 2015 12:00 pmComments Off on My mom makes this transcendent Pico de Gallo
My mom makes this transcendent Pico de Gallo
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US Government Terminates War On Drugs

12:00 pmComments Off on US Government Terminates War On Drugs
US Government Terminates War On Drugs

“Honestly, I’m not really sure why we ever thought this was a good idea,” said Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel. “We really should have sobered up first. Afghanistan is a tricky situation that we really need to start taking much more seriously.” Chuck has a great point, but this certainly […]

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Flightless deer falls out of tree

January 12, 2015 11:59 amComments Off on Flightless deer falls out of tree
Flightless deer falls out of tree
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Op Ed: Creamed Corn is Not Very Useful

November 18, 2014 10:00 amComments Off on Op Ed: Creamed Corn is Not Very Useful
Op Ed: Creamed Corn is Not Very Useful

The main reason why creamed corn is not useful is because it cannot be used for many things. Of course, it can be consumed as a food. But, that’s about it. You can’t drink creamed corn. If you do, you’ll be a social outcast and your only friends will be…never […]

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Congressional Candidate Wins, Beats Other Congressional Candidate

November 10, 2014 12:00 pmComments Off on Congressional Candidate Wins, Beats Other Congressional Candidate
Congressional Candidate Wins, Beats Other Congressional Candidate

The results are in. The 2014 Midterm Elections are over and every aspect of the political landscape has changed. One candidate from a particular state has won, defeating the other candidate, and now everything is necessarily different. One of these two candidates had policies that differed from the other candidate, […]

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This is the MOST Sarcaaaastic Article EVER Written, Maybe

November 4, 2014 12:01 pmComments Off on This is the MOST Sarcaaaastic Article EVER Written, Maybe
This is the MOST Sarcaaaastic Article EVER Written, Maybe

This is the veeeery best most amaaaaazing article you’ve ever read in your entiiiiire life. No, I’m just kidding. It’s sooooo bad! Oooooh you’re sooooo reading this right now, with all your “eyes” and your “brain.” You’ve nnnnnever read anything sooooo sarcastic in your life, have you? The sarcasm is […]

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Hungry Hungry Hippo Contemplates Suicide, Dinner

October 13, 2014 12:00 pmComments Off on Hungry Hungry Hippo Contemplates Suicide, Dinner
Hungry Hungry Hippo Contemplates Suicide, Dinner
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Meyer Library To Be Replaced With Meyer Library Memorial

September 29, 2014 12:01 pmComments Off on Meyer Library To Be Replaced With Meyer Library Memorial
Meyer Library To Be Replaced With Meyer Library Memorial

The speculation surrounding the fate of the now-defunct J. Henry Meyer Memorial Library has come to an end, as Stanford has announced that the Library is to be replaced with a new monument, dedicated to the Library, which will be precisely identical to the original Meyer Memorial Library. Plans to […]

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BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James is Jesus

July 16, 2014 5:00 pmComments Off on BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James is Jesus
BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James is Jesus

This just in: the world’s most famous basketball player is indeed the messiah, and the people of Cleveland are His chosen ones. And this reporter, stationed in Cleveland for the summer, has taken it upon herself to evangelize the nation, spreading the gospel of “The New King James” for the […]

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