Missile Strikes on Syrian Chlorine Factories Leave Assad’s Pool Faintly Piss-Scented

May 8, 2018 3:38 pm
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Missile Strikes on Syrian Chlorine Factories Leave Assad’s Pool Faintly Piss-Scented

Several days after President Donald Trump launched several targeted missile strikes against Syrian chlorine facilities in retaliation for Bashar al-Assad’s use of chemical weapons on civilians, news has emerged that the despot’s backyard pool has finally begun to smell vaguely like human piss.

“We drew a red line, a big red line, and what can I say, folks, Assad crossed it,” Trump explained in a briefing to the White House Press Corps. “Now that his folks don’t have the gas, the chlorine gas, bad chemicals — real bad chemicals, gotta tell ya, I know a guy and he says these chemicals are the worst — well, I gotta say, seems like he’s finally gonna be facing some consequences , huh?

“Consequences for peeing in his pool, that is,” Trump clarified.

United Nations inspectors on the ground in Syria have confirmed that the airstrikes destroyed several Assadist chlorine factories, but criticized Trump for his violation of international law.

“No man, no matter how evil, should have to wallow in his own urine,” said UN Secretary‑General António Guterres. “Assad may indeed have gassed his own people with chlorine, but that doesn’t give America the right to unilaterally strip him of his sovereign claim to clean pools that smell normal and don’t stink of tinkle.”

Assad himself also criticized the strikes.

“Without that chlorine, my pool smells like the New York City subway on a hot summer day,” the dictator complained. “Also, sometimes when I’m swimming, I accidentally open my mouth underwater and have to taste my own wee-wee. That has to be a violation of the Geneva Conventions, right?”

At press time the Assad regime had resumed it’s slaughter of Syrian civilians using conventional weapons, and Assad himself was spotted standing in an open bathrobe on the edge of his jacuzzi, peeing directly into it.

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