Math Joins Ranks of Pro-Hillary Establishment

May 9, 2016 12:01 pm
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Math Joins Ranks of Pro-Hillary Establishment

Ignoring the momentum displayed by Bernie Sanders’ surprise win in Indiana, mathematics revealed its establishment indoctrination Sunday by maintaining that Hillary Clinton is “quite literally assured” to be the Democratic nominee for the Presidency.

As math explained, “Senator Sanders would need 939 delegates to secure the nomination. There are only 933 left to claim. The number 939 is greater than the number 933. Hillary Clinton will win the Democratic Party’s nomination.”

Sanders supporters on campus and online, of course, were quick to see through math’s pro-status quo agenda. One Reddit user complained, “Numbers have always favored Clinton, and they haven’t been afraid to show it. From early survey data to the vote counts in the 23 states she has won, math has been in $hillary’s pocket all along!”

Math, of course, stood by its timeless irrefutability. It explained, “As the Washington Post reported in April, even if all the superdelegates voted in the direction of the geographic region they represent, Hillary would still have a greater number of delegates than Bernie. Whether expressed as a raw number, a ratio to the sum of delegates, or as a percent of the entire delegate pool, the number representing Hillary’s winnings will be greater than the one reflecting Bernie’s.”

The millenniums old system of operations continued, “The only time Bernie’s numbers are greater than Hillary’s are when we compare the amount of dollars the Vermonter has raised, spent, and used to buy television ads. Even as an amorphous concept used to express and relate quantities, I can tell Bernie people would be pretty pissed if Secretary Clinton were the bigger spender.”