Johnny Beauregard Wins Tic-Tac-Toe World Championship

February 25, 2011 10:05 am
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Johnny Beauregard Wins Tic-Tac-Toe World Championship

Deep in the renowned basement of Mike’s All-You-Can-Eat BBQ Buffet, a legend has been born. All within a single day, Johnny Beauregard toppled nine grandmasters, including the once unbeatable Nikolai ‘Cat’s Game’ Kyznetsov, and emerged as the next WTTTF World Champion.

“My main strategy is to play the corners a lot,” said Beauregard, the previously unknown Oregonian. “Sometimes I mix things up by playing the center, maybe even playing one of the sides as a last-ditch effort.”

Beauregard reportedly arrived at Mike’s in the early afternoon to use a coupon before it expired. After wandering off to locate a missing cornbread platter, Beauregard stumbled upon the tournament and decided to join.

Rudolph ‘Rednose’ Eisenberg was the first to fall before Beauregard’s Tic-Tac-Toe prowess.

“I thought I’d be safe by opening with the Palishnik Offensive,” said Eisenberg, whose eyes were red from crying. “But then he responded with the Stonewall Gambit. I took the bait, and he slammed me with the Guillotine Cross.”

Previous champion Kyznetsov, who spent the rest of the evening silently staring off into space, would not respond to questioning.

“Beauregard’s opening moves are inscrutable, his endings fatal,” said Carlos ‘El Conquistador’ Mendoza, another Grandmaster humiliated by one of Beauregard’s decisive wins. “To play him is to play against the nightmares within your very soul. I sincerely believe that God sent him to punish me for all the bad things I’ve done. Beauregard’s house is probably made entirely out of coffins, each with my name inscribed on the lid.”

“Beauregard is a Tic-Tac-Tornado, and we are all trailer parks, waiting in submission,” added Mendoza.

Beauregard plans on retiring from Tic-Tac-Toe and entering a nearby Hungry Hungry Hippos tournament.

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