Articles by: Brandon Evans

Haitian Activists Seek to Raise Awareness for Stanford Students

February 27, 2011 2:38 pmComments Off on Haitian Activists Seek to Raise Awareness for Stanford Students
Haitian Activists Seek to Raise Awareness for Stanford Students

A new, rapidly growing activist organization in Haiti has one simple but important goal: increasing people’s awareness of the issues currently afflicting students at Stanford University. “It’s just so sad how ignorant we are of other people’s problems,” said Dominique Coupout, the president of Awareness for Stanford Students (ASS). “We […]

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New Al Qaeda Hostage Video Stuns Nation

February 26, 2011 8:10 pmComments Off on New Al Qaeda Hostage Video Stuns Nation
New Al Qaeda Hostage Video Stuns Nation

A new hostage tape released by Al Qaeda has drawn universal condemnation from leaders worldwide. In the video, armed Al Qaeda members repeatedly inflict suffering upon an unidentified American soldier. The video begins with one Al Qaeda member licking his finger and then giving the soldier a wet willy, causing […]

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Johnny Beauregard Wins Tic-Tac-Toe World Championship

February 25, 2011 10:05 amComments Off on Johnny Beauregard Wins Tic-Tac-Toe World Championship
Johnny Beauregard Wins Tic-Tac-Toe World Championship

Deep in the renowned basement of Mike’s All-You-Can-Eat BBQ Buffet, a legend has been born. All within a single day, Johnny Beauregard toppled nine grandmasters, including the once unbeatable Nikolai ‘Cat’s Game’ Kyznetsov, and emerged as the next WTTTF World Champion. “My main strategy is to play the corners a […]

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U.S. Marines to Use Super Soakers as Main Firearms

February 23, 2011 2:36 pmComments Off on U.S. Marines to Use Super Soakers as Main Firearms
U.S. Marines to Use Super Soakers as Main Firearms

Citing a desire to adopt a non-lethal approach to deterring enemies, the U.S. Marines recently announced a plan to begin phasing out bullet-based firearms, replacing them instead with Nerf brand Super Soakers. “Our polling indicates that the American people aren’t really fond of us going around and killing foreigners with […]

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ASSU Stays Up Late Cramming for STI Tests

February 22, 2011 1:44 amComments Off on ASSU Stays Up Late Cramming for STI Tests
ASSU Stays Up Late Cramming for STI Tests
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Dick Cheney Gets New Kidneys, V8 Engine

February 18, 2011 9:00 amComments Off on Dick Cheney Gets New Kidneys, V8 Engine
Dick Cheney Gets New Kidneys, V8 Engine

Dick Cheney recently underwent an extensive series of organ replacement surgeries in an attempt to stabilize his rapidly deteriorating health. Doctors at George Washington University Hospital originally planned for just a simple kidney transplant but noticed that nearly every one of Cheney’s organ systems were failing. “Not only were his […]

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Duke Researcher Invents AIDS Cure, Has Attractive Secretary

February 16, 2011 9:00 amComments Off on Duke Researcher Invents AIDS Cure, Has Attractive Secretary
Duke Researcher Invents AIDS Cure, Has Attractive Secretary

Yesterday Dr. William Pallingham, a researcher at Duke University, announced the successful testing of a revolutionary drug capable of completely ridding a person of HIV. “The secret behind the drug lies in the nullification of a protein essential to the virus’s reproduction,” said Pallingham, whose secretary’s beauty tempts the gods […]

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Mattress Researchers Release Innovative Mattress With No Wrong Side

February 9, 2011 8:27 pmComments Off on Mattress Researchers Release Innovative Mattress With No Wrong Side
Mattress Researchers Release Innovative Mattress With No Wrong Side
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Updated Geneva Protocol Prohibits Popular Medieval Weaponry

February 8, 2011 9:00 amComments Off on Updated Geneva Protocol Prohibits Popular Medieval Weaponry
Updated Geneva Protocol Prohibits Popular Medieval Weaponry

Yesterday, the United Nations General Assembly voted to enact an updated version of the Geneva Protocol, which has historically restricted inhumane wartime practices such as the use of chemical warfare. While virtually no progress was made on the topic of thermonuclear weapons, many other long overdue restrictions were put in […]

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AA Doubles Success Rate With New, Easier Six-Step Program

February 7, 2011 11:13 amComments Off on AA Doubles Success Rate With New, Easier Six-Step Program
AA Doubles Success Rate With New, Easier Six-Step Program
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